never a thank you from me/the origin of WH

I've always hated thanksgiving. I'm a vegetarian. I haven't always been, but for about 7 years now. it's not the damn turkey that bothers me.

we've always gone to my dad's family's place in ohio. I hate being cold and there's too much male redneck testosterone. I have an older half-brother who would probably be rejected by AA as a lost cause. he gets drunk and forgets he's related to me. it's not a time of year I like repeating.

my fiance (my best friend used to refer to him as "WH", which stands for "work hottie," after HH, harvard hottie, from the nanny diaries, because he and I met at work. so that's how I'll refer to him from now on) was going to come home tonight from his work trip. however, he has an aunt that lives close to where he is for work, so I told him to spend thanksgiving with her because I have no desire to sit for an uncomfortable all-day dinner with his friends' parents' and family that I don't know. we can't afford to fly out to be with either of our own families, and I wouldn't want to even if we could. yeah, I'm a shit head that way.

he took slight offense to me telling him to stay away for an extra 24 hours, and who can blame him? he's already been gone almost a week. I don't really have friends here. so other than constant phone calls from him, and everyday emails with one of his exes (not the psycho), with whom I've become close friends, I've had minimal human contact since he left. so now he's cutting his dinner short to fly home. I feel so fucking guilty. I know this is something he thoroughly enjoys, and he's going to half-ass some family time and major food so that he can sit at home with my brooding, self-pitying ass. ugh.

tomorrow will be spent cleaning the house and getting ready for him to come home. my sexual desire seems to drop to zero when he's not around. since it's been dormant for nearly 5 days there will probably be an over abundance when he gets back. I'll need to make sure I've had enough nourishment to maintain.

I've decided that I'll have to suck it up and get over my issues and realize that I can't continually ignore this crap-ass holiday, that just stands for a bunch of bullshit validating manifest destiny crapola anyway. so, to ease myself into enjoying this monolith of excess, I'm going to put together our own mini-thanksgiving for just the 2 of us on friday. turkey breast for him, and side dishes for me. I'm not a big fan of meat substitute. not that it freaks me out to eat something so easily mistaken for meat at first glance (not really), but it generally doesn't taste good unless it's smothered with something to hide its flavor. the exception to that rule: smartdogs (especially with chili and sauerkraut) and tofurky sundried tomato sausages (broil them, never microwave them) there's a few more, but I won't list them all now. I haven't actually tried the thanksgiving tofurky, but don't have enough desire to get one and eat it by myself. WH would help, but he's got his own genuine article to work through on his own. so I've got it all planned out and nearly ready to go. good Lord, I hate being conventional.

but, for those of you who do enjoy this, and I do think family time can be a good thing (depending on your family) I wish you a happy thanksgiving and hope that you don't eat so much that you puke. I'd say to show some self-restraint, but I can't, so why would I ask anyone else to? and please wish me luck with my own belated thanksgiving!

who's yours?

in college I dated this guy for about a week. I guess I can't even say that we dated. he was busy, traveling all the time and I was only there for another year. he was so sweet, a little needy, and intriguing. after college I moved to hawaii and he called me on valentine's day to see how I was doing, was I seeing anyone? he wanted to come visit me just so he could kiss me. I still think about him almost everyday. he's my "one who got away."

I could contact him now if I wanted...providing that his cell number hasn't changed. but I don't. I won't. I know that things happen the way that they need to, and he's not the right one for me. I doubt he even remembers me now. it's been a few years. sometimes I just want to find out. but that's a downward spiral that I don't want to approach.

I love my fiance with a fierceness that I can't fully comprehend. even if I could have this other man back, if he found me and came to me with flowers and 3 years' worth of I miss yous, I wouldn't leave my fiance. so why won't he leave my mind? I can still hear his voice. I won't erase his number from my phone, and have transferred it to new cell phones twice. but I haven't ever called him. once when I moved to hawaii, but that was in 2002. not once since. the 2 times that he called me were in a short time span, and now nothing. I can't keep doing this and I don't know how to stop. it's a huge "what if." if I'd tried to make a relationship with him work, if I'd called him before I decided to make it work with my fiance, if I'd stayed in LA hoping something would happen. but I wasn't in that mindset at the time.

what would my fiance think if he knew these thoughts ran through my head almost on a daily basis? would he leave me? would it make him worry? would he brush it off like he does everytime I tell him I'm attracted to some woman on tv because he knows it's meant to get a reaction out of him?

how can I make this stop? it's not abating, it waxes and wanes, but it's always there somewhere in my mind. the worst part is, I think that finding out he's with someone else would really hurt. I wonder what he'd say if I told him I'm getting married. i'm sure he's forgotten me by now.

why do I feel like this about him? it's a possibility that it's because he's an actor and that's what I'm really attracted to. when we met someone told him that I was only talking to him for that reason. he didn't call me for almost a month after that, probably trying to see if it was true or not. is that really it and I'm subconsciously trying so hard to convince myself that I'm not that shallow, that superficial? I don't think I could stand myself if that's the case. but it could also be the way he would look at me and things he would say to make me feel like I was the only person in the room, that I had some kind of captivating power over him. it was so genuine and would always make me melt. he would offer anything before I would ask. I never accepted any of them, not wanting him to think that was why I was there. I miss him. do I? I don't honestly know. isn't that sad? maybe it's just spending this week with no one has brought this all to the forefront. or maybe I really do still want him.

I've kept myself so guarded from my fiance since our first year together was truly horrific. he was at the tail-end of a relationship with a woman with serious emotional issues. he cheated on her with me, and brought me into the whole horror show. I'd never cheated like that and still feel sick thinking about it. she saw the breakup coming from miles away and pulled a pregnancy scare. he didn't tell me this until much later when I asked if he had slept with her since he and I had been together. what he didn't tell me until last month was that for the first 5 months he and I were together he thought she was still pregnant. then she said she miscarried, then said she'd had an abortion. she had moved to another state, so he saw her very rarely during all of this. but they apparently slept together when she did come around. and continued to call nonstop and email all the damn time. he knew I hated it and started hiding it from me...maybe not knowingly, but he didn't let me know what was going on. 2 months ago I almost left him. creating trust is so difficult, especially given our beginning. I know now that he will never cheat on me, but there's always that fear. I think there will always be that fear that I can't control. he'd do anything to keep me with him, to prove that I can trust him. but the fear is there and was beaten into me so long ago that it may now be a permanent part of me.

I guess that's why I can't stop thinking about the one who got away. the one I didn't even try to be with. the one I was too afraid to be with in case I found it wasn't him I wanted, just his persona. now I'm with the one who's not so glamorous, but would really do anything for me if I just smile. the man who does love me unconditionally and with all his heart. and that's what I need. I need that love from him. I need him.

the great migration

I dropped my fiance off at the airport early, and I do mean early, sunday morning. as we were driving it seemed that every bird in the greater denver area decided it was time to move on. it was this huge black streak that, from far away, was really frightening. once I realized that it was not yet armageddon, it was actually pretty awe-inspiring. but it left me with this huge sense of emptiness. my fiance, as well as the majority of the wildlife, was leaving.

I came home to find an email he had sent immediately before he left. the last time I cried that hard was trying to book and pay for hotel rooms for our immediate families and wedding party. my parents told me they already had a place to stay and so didn't want to stay with us, and that we shouldn't have my brother stay at the hotel either. I thought the point of a wedding was to bring people together, not have them be on completely opposite sides of the island. but, had we gotten rooms for everyone it would have been $3000 for one night for just the wedding party and the two of us. and that's not even getting a honeymoon suite. but I digress.

my mother's motto to me when I was growing up was "be a leader, not a follower." I took that to heart and she quickly told me that no one would like me because I was too flamboyant. that's only the beginning of her confused idea of "mothering." point being, I've always been very independent. not to say that I've like solitude, or really enjoyed it in any manner, but I've never wanted to depend on anyone. having my heart severely ripped apart by my high school boyfriend just solidified that for me. but now, 2 days without him and I'm starving myself and reclusive. I had to force myself to sit through a full day of work and almost passed out mid-morning. then I came home, gorged myself on practically as many carbs as I could get a hold of, then had a pity party. I'm becoming so pathetically dependent on this man. the sad thing is, I think it's a fiercely co-dependent relationship.

having someone need you like that is the most amazing feeling. it's almost visceral. it's definitely addicting. I'm now feverish and ill without him here. I can't sleep and I'm constantly on edge. I don't, however, have the need to physically injure myself, which is usually the first place I go to. I'm getting much better about that. I haven't actually purposely hurt myself in quite some time. I don't know how I feel about that. kind of numb, really. if you've ever seen the move secretary it's something like that. not exactly, but close. it's definitely private and ritualistic. not something I'd ever actually do with people in the room. the movie thirteen seemed to capture it a bit more for me. but I need to stop talking about it now.

how can I be proud of myself and who I am if I can't survive without this man? the way he smells, the way he looks at me and holds me and touches me. I know him. he called me last night when he realized that, in a new york hotel room with a king-size bed, he was sleeping on his side of the bed. I went to bed in denver thinking I had forgotten something, and realized that it was just the emptiness of the place. it's not like losing a limb, it's just losing your emotions. I feel like a vacuous thing of nothingness. but I'll suck it up and deal. it's not long, really, I'm just making it longer than it really is.

i'm hoping that we may soon be moving back home. I don't really belong anywhere outside of hawaii. I fit in there. I'm comfortable there. he's applied for a job, but I don't want to get my hopes up and then be extremely disappointed. that's a let down that I don't think I can handle. it would be nice to be back before the wedding, but that will never happen. I miss it so much. planning a wedding from thousands of miles away is not my idea of fun. I've said it before, and I say it again: always hire a wedding planner.

a vandal wrote this

tonight I am left unsatisfied while my fiance sleeps in the other room. he asked me what was wrong and fell asleep to my silence. I came to the living room to read, and then realized that I'm neglecting my free therapeutic outlet. so I lit a fire and here I am. if any of you knew me, it would be required for me to say that the fire is limited to the fireplace. for some reason we continue to buy the cheapest logs possible, that don't really burn, but rather smolder and turn to nothing.

and all of this after the neighbors upstairs flooded their toilet and it all poured down through the only light in our bathroom ceiling. beautiful disaster.

so now I have to work tomorrow, at a job that I'm not so much enjoying as waiting for it to end. then I'll be back to perpetually cleaning the apartment and hopefully I'll begin illustrating the book that I have been sent. wouldn't that be nice, if we could just take care of the assignments with which we have been trusted? but, I've never been so reliable. oh well.

here's my question: do men honestly know women's feelings without us vocalizing, and prefer ignorance and so pretend, or refuse to allow themselves to consciously understand what's really going on? or should I boldly go ahead and say what I'm thinking? I get the feeling that most of the time, "what's wrong" is a rhetorical question. should I actually take the initiative to answer it, would bring about an entire series of events that would be better left unsaid.

here's a bit of how I'm feeling at the moment:

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
- Yeats

what I really want is to go back home to hawaii. I belong there, I fit in there, I'm warm there. denver has no draw for me. in making the decision to move here I did not hear one bad thought from anyone who had lived here at any point in time. everyone loved it and everything about it. I don't want to be here anymore. is this a sacrafice I'm making? and for whom? is it for myself, my fiance, our financial situation, or our relationship? or all of the above? what am I doing here? will finding a new and better apartment remedy the entire situation? or is it really that I don't belong here?

I guess it doesn't help that this is all culminating after a night of too much food, soft-porn, a fairly disappointing quickie, and the fact that I'm feeling incredibly unattractive thanks to a devastating hormonal fluctuation. and yes, I do realize that I'm overreacting and being melodramatic. but why live your life without melodrama? what else is there, really?

anyway, the fire has long since died out. it's almost 1am and I'm still awake enough to not want to venture back to the bedroom and all of its implications. and the sleeping man who will not even realize I'm in the same bed. is this really what it's like to be married?

(an explanation of the title: as I was driving to work friday morning I noticed that on one of the signs above the freeway, someone had actually gone to the trouble of climbing the 20-feet, or whatever it is, up to the sign to spray-paint the above-mentioned title over the upcoming exits. there was nothing else and nothing more clever than that. I thought it deserved an honorable mention.)