time flies when you're doing nothing
nothing...absolutely nothing. well, that's not entirely true. we've managed to clean out enough space for us to live, and eventually we'll have a nursery room. as soon as I get rid of my boxes upon boxes of old books and Lord knows what else. the only problem is that there's literally 20 years worth of dust gathered and we're (well, anyone other than me) moving furniture and finding just what happens to dust after 20 years - it petrifies. ahh, good times!
other than that, we've each had some job interviews, which as of yet have lead nowhere. and I think WH's unemployment checks have run out. so we're heading towards bankruptcy quite soon. actually, both of our interviews have been fairly recently, so there's still a chance for us. all I'm worried about is telling them once I start that I'll be gone come december. if they'd like me back, that'd be great, if not, we'll go our separate ways. WH is trying to tell me to not say a word about being pregnant until I can't hide it any longer, and then just quit. but, he has absolutely no problem with professional suicide, as he's done it already and thinks there's no consequences. I'm just hoping that no one he's interviewed with has bothered to call his previous employer in colorado. because if they have, it would explain why he hasn't had any calls back yet.
but we have been enjoying our time together doing, that's right, nothing. I've got a lovely tan and he's off doing triathalons after minimal training...seriously minimal training. I don't know how he doesn't really hurt himself. of course, he's doing the sprint triathalon, which is about half of a normal one. but still, I'm amazed.
I have to say that this time together has made me much more comfortable and relaxed in our relationship. I, of course, still get a little suspicious and wonder what he's doing when he's heading off to a friend's house, or doesn't come back when he says he will...but in his defense, he invites me along (except for when they were going to watch a fight, not my thing), and he's always, always been horrible at estimating how long he'll be gone and when he'll be back. to the point where I just tell him not to anymore because he's never right, even when I know exactly where he is and what he's doing. so it's just me being paranoid, as per usual. but I wonder if that will always be there, or if I can eventually set that aside and just be able to trust him. I don't know that that ever really happens after you've been through what we've been through, but I'm hoping I'll eventually not immediately question him when he's going somewhere without me.
another issue, though not with him, is with my best friend (BF for ease). she's having her own marital issues, which are entirely different from mine. in short, she really needs to leave him and find someone who will treat her the way she deserves to be treated as a wife. but I know it's not that easy when you really love someone and want it to be good. anyway, I've been back here for over a month, and I've seen her 3 times. we email every single day, but for whatever reason, she has no interest in seeing me other than during her lunch hour. and I'm not quite sure why. I can guess, that it has something to do with our husbands...I don't want her and my husband together because it makes me extremely uncomfortable, and she doesn't want to neglect her husband. and I'm wondering if he has the sneaking suspicion that I'm trying to convince her to leave him. but it's not like he's doing anything to make her any happier. so, whatever that means, he's not amped up enough to try and save their marriage. maybe it has something to do with us not being able to be in person and keep up what we have via email. it's easy to constantly banter back and forth when you're not face to face for some reason. in person, it can be a bit different. although we've had no trouble so far. so I don't know. and I'm sure she likes having her weekends to herself. all the same, it makes me wonder why. she'll still say she misses me, but getting together seems impossible. but I don't want to force some kind of friendship that maybe we weren't meant to have. I'm happy with what we have, I just thought it would be different when I got here. I don't think that explains anything, but whatever.
but, other than all of that, everything seems to be going really well with the baby...I'm almost certain it's a boy : ) he's moving around a lot and looks perfectly healthy so far. it's amazing to be able to feel these little tiny, almost twinges in my stomach and know that it's an entirely different person from me that's making those. my tummy's starting to poke out over my pants and even my gauchos are getting a bit tight. it's getting harder to not look like I just need to go on a diet. but at the same time, as much as I've always been so afraid of being heavy and looking overweight, I'm now wearing clothes that emphasize my belly, because I know that I'm pregnant and I really don't care if anyone else thinks I just look fat. I know the truth and I'm happy about it!
we also got our first ultrasound pictures a couple of weeks ago. it's so strange for me to see this perfect little tiny person and then to look at my little belly and realize that's where he is. it still looks just like my body, I can't believe it's actually harboring another person that I've never seen, and won't be able to see for (hopefully) about another 5 months. I'm getting afraid to roll over on the bed too quickly, or lie on my back, or use my stomach muscles at all. what if I crush him, or when I roll over his cord knots up or chokes him?? what's funny is that if I don't feel anything, I wonder if something's wrong. if I get any cramps, I wonder if something is wrong. the most comfort I feel is when it's like there's a little tiny punch in my stomach, and I hope that's him moving around and getting comfortable. other times I wonder if that's him fighting to get the cord off his neck so that he's not choking to death. I don't know if that's possible, but I'm sure it could be. but I know that he's moving around a lot, since during the ultrasound he was all over the place, and we were given a short 20 second video in 4-D (it's a perfect 3-D image of the baby and you can watch the baby move!) and it's him pulling his leg back and basically giving me a good soccer kick in the stomach. that should be interesting when he's full-size and has some real muscle and weight behind the kicks! I swear I got a kick in the bladder the other day. I'm just hoping I don't get kicked in the kidneys...
all in all, I have to say that I'm quite content at the moment. my husband loves rubbing my belly and talking to baby. he's planning just how he's going to fix the nursery, and he's making sure that I'm comfortable and have what I need (within financial reason, obviously).
for once, I really can't complain too much. and I don't even feel like that should mean that something's wrong. it just feels good : )
other than that, we've each had some job interviews, which as of yet have lead nowhere. and I think WH's unemployment checks have run out. so we're heading towards bankruptcy quite soon. actually, both of our interviews have been fairly recently, so there's still a chance for us. all I'm worried about is telling them once I start that I'll be gone come december. if they'd like me back, that'd be great, if not, we'll go our separate ways. WH is trying to tell me to not say a word about being pregnant until I can't hide it any longer, and then just quit. but, he has absolutely no problem with professional suicide, as he's done it already and thinks there's no consequences. I'm just hoping that no one he's interviewed with has bothered to call his previous employer in colorado. because if they have, it would explain why he hasn't had any calls back yet.
but we have been enjoying our time together doing, that's right, nothing. I've got a lovely tan and he's off doing triathalons after minimal training...seriously minimal training. I don't know how he doesn't really hurt himself. of course, he's doing the sprint triathalon, which is about half of a normal one. but still, I'm amazed.
I have to say that this time together has made me much more comfortable and relaxed in our relationship. I, of course, still get a little suspicious and wonder what he's doing when he's heading off to a friend's house, or doesn't come back when he says he will...but in his defense, he invites me along (except for when they were going to watch a fight, not my thing), and he's always, always been horrible at estimating how long he'll be gone and when he'll be back. to the point where I just tell him not to anymore because he's never right, even when I know exactly where he is and what he's doing. so it's just me being paranoid, as per usual. but I wonder if that will always be there, or if I can eventually set that aside and just be able to trust him. I don't know that that ever really happens after you've been through what we've been through, but I'm hoping I'll eventually not immediately question him when he's going somewhere without me.
another issue, though not with him, is with my best friend (BF for ease). she's having her own marital issues, which are entirely different from mine. in short, she really needs to leave him and find someone who will treat her the way she deserves to be treated as a wife. but I know it's not that easy when you really love someone and want it to be good. anyway, I've been back here for over a month, and I've seen her 3 times. we email every single day, but for whatever reason, she has no interest in seeing me other than during her lunch hour. and I'm not quite sure why. I can guess, that it has something to do with our husbands...I don't want her and my husband together because it makes me extremely uncomfortable, and she doesn't want to neglect her husband. and I'm wondering if he has the sneaking suspicion that I'm trying to convince her to leave him. but it's not like he's doing anything to make her any happier. so, whatever that means, he's not amped up enough to try and save their marriage. maybe it has something to do with us not being able to be in person and keep up what we have via email. it's easy to constantly banter back and forth when you're not face to face for some reason. in person, it can be a bit different. although we've had no trouble so far. so I don't know. and I'm sure she likes having her weekends to herself. all the same, it makes me wonder why. she'll still say she misses me, but getting together seems impossible. but I don't want to force some kind of friendship that maybe we weren't meant to have. I'm happy with what we have, I just thought it would be different when I got here. I don't think that explains anything, but whatever.
but, other than all of that, everything seems to be going really well with the baby...I'm almost certain it's a boy : ) he's moving around a lot and looks perfectly healthy so far. it's amazing to be able to feel these little tiny, almost twinges in my stomach and know that it's an entirely different person from me that's making those. my tummy's starting to poke out over my pants and even my gauchos are getting a bit tight. it's getting harder to not look like I just need to go on a diet. but at the same time, as much as I've always been so afraid of being heavy and looking overweight, I'm now wearing clothes that emphasize my belly, because I know that I'm pregnant and I really don't care if anyone else thinks I just look fat. I know the truth and I'm happy about it!
we also got our first ultrasound pictures a couple of weeks ago. it's so strange for me to see this perfect little tiny person and then to look at my little belly and realize that's where he is. it still looks just like my body, I can't believe it's actually harboring another person that I've never seen, and won't be able to see for (hopefully) about another 5 months. I'm getting afraid to roll over on the bed too quickly, or lie on my back, or use my stomach muscles at all. what if I crush him, or when I roll over his cord knots up or chokes him?? what's funny is that if I don't feel anything, I wonder if something's wrong. if I get any cramps, I wonder if something is wrong. the most comfort I feel is when it's like there's a little tiny punch in my stomach, and I hope that's him moving around and getting comfortable. other times I wonder if that's him fighting to get the cord off his neck so that he's not choking to death. I don't know if that's possible, but I'm sure it could be. but I know that he's moving around a lot, since during the ultrasound he was all over the place, and we were given a short 20 second video in 4-D (it's a perfect 3-D image of the baby and you can watch the baby move!) and it's him pulling his leg back and basically giving me a good soccer kick in the stomach. that should be interesting when he's full-size and has some real muscle and weight behind the kicks! I swear I got a kick in the bladder the other day. I'm just hoping I don't get kicked in the kidneys...
all in all, I have to say that I'm quite content at the moment. my husband loves rubbing my belly and talking to baby. he's planning just how he's going to fix the nursery, and he's making sure that I'm comfortable and have what I need (within financial reason, obviously).
for once, I really can't complain too much. and I don't even feel like that should mean that something's wrong. it just feels good : )
posted by nakedbride at 2:39 PM
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