I know, it's been a while.
I've been busy. got married, moved off the continent, had a baby, got a job, etc., etc. a lot has gone on in between all of that, but nothing of note. there have been plenty of fights, a brief separation, and a sadly anti-climactic reconciliation. we seem to have drifted extremely far apart, only coming together to care for a beautiful little boy.
I feel so alone.
I thought I could do this all by myself, but the recent events have taught me otherwise. I can't care for a one-year-old, work full-time, maintain personal tragedy, and not have anyone to talk to about it. I have friends, but none in particular who will listen. my husband seems to think that what goes through my mind is too "worst of the worst" and he generally just gets upset with me for thinking that way and doesn't want to hear it. so I can't tell him anything. my "friend" at work has recently stabbed me in the back in order to try and get her husband a better-paying job. and another friend of mine, whom I've spoken of before regarding her previous relationship with my husband, always offers her deepest condolences and then immediately wants to talk about what's the recent development in her self-induced destruction. and what I need to talk about are things that really do need a bit of caring and attention.
this last month has nearly been the undoing of my mental health. two weeks ago I miscarried in my twelfth week of pregnancy. I chose to have the hospital procedure, rather than letting things take their natural course, due to the baby's size. it was an extremely difficult time for both my husband and myself, and for a very brief period it brought us very close together emotionally, until I guess he decided that I was only allowed to have negative thoughts about the miscarriage, but nothing else. that's about the time when I figured out that I can't talk to him about anything. and now, because he can't seem to wait another two weeks to have sex, I think I've got a uterine infection, as the doctor warned me I would get if I didn't keep just about everything away from that particular region. but my husband wants me to tell him he's the greatest husband ever (seriously) because he's so attracted to me that he can't keep his hands off of me. I am grateful that he's trying to keep up my self-esteem, but I can't work up the courage to shatter his ego and let him know I'm not interested and really don't want any kind of sexual contact so soon after having our child die inside of my body. and I guess the doctor's warnings weren't deterrent enough. so I can cry about the baby, and only about the baby, but physically I better be ready to move on.
he also doesn't want to hear about how someone needs to keep an eye on our son while we're out at family barbecues, because, "everybody watches everybody elses' kids." well, that's bullshit, and was proven to be bullshit when our friends' child fell in the pool and no one noticed for just long enough for the boy to stop moving. he was pulled out, and was ok after a few minutes. and this happened before my husband's previous comment. he still thinks it's ok to let our son run around seemingly unsupervised. me thinking otherwise is, apparently, only thinking the worst of things. it's not thinking about safety, it's just thinking negatively.
then, last week, came what is probably the biggest tragedy I have ever had to deal with. my cousin, who was bipolar, committed suicide. I have never had to, nor have I known anyone who has had to, deal with someone close to them killing themselves. I don't know who to even begin to talk to about this. I'm seeing a therapist, but once a month doesn't help for those random times when I can't help but cry. I haven't even seen her since the day after my D&C. I won't see her for another two weeks. and so, until then, I can pour my thoughts and feelings on here. I don't have to deal with everything silently and internally. because, as I've discovered, it doesn't make me forget, it just lets it all build. at least this way I'm getting it out.
right now I just feel sad and angry. my husband is recently obsessed with buying a new gigantic and expensive tv, and has been very nice to me lately while trying to persuade me to spend $1300 that we don't particularly have. but, when I made the comment tonight that every time we talk about it the tv gets more expensive (it started out at $600, and just worked its way up to $1300), he just muttered something that sounded like, "fucking...." and walked away. I said I didn't want to fight about a tv, but he said we weren't fighting, he just had to go to the bathroom. so he went, then walked right past me without saying a word. so instead of even fighting, we're just pretending we don't exist anymore.
it's sad, but since about a few days after the hospital, we fight more than we previously did, I think. I'm sad, but I'm not allowed to be sad except for things my husband deems appropriate, like losing my baby and my cousin, but being sad about my son falling down at daycare is not acceptable. kids fall down and get hurt all the time. it's a part of growing up, so I can't be upset about it. I can't try and protect him and keep it from happening. I have to let him play by the pool by himself, because someone, we're not sure who, but somebody other than my husband and myself has to be watching him. great. fantastic.
so I'm sad and I'm angry and I have no way of really reconciling it and moving on. I'm angry that my cousin did something so selfish and didn't allow us to say goodbye, or even have any service to give us some closure. but I'm glad he's no longer suffering so much. I can't even imagine having to live my life in so much mental anguish, and knowing that I'd have to continue to live the rest of my life like that. I don't know how long he was on the medication, but I wish he had given it more of a chance, or kept trying until he found one that worked for him. but, there's nothing that can be done about that now.
I'm angry at my husband for too many reasons to relate right now. but I'm thankful for the things he does do for me. even if it is due to an ulterior motive. and not everything he does is to try and convince me he deserves a 40" flat screen tv. but, lately, it seems like a lot of it is. and I'm extremely sad that this is the state of our relationship. it's never been a great one, but right now it feels like a miserable one. oh well. I guess it could always be worse.
I just don't want to keep feeling so alone.
I feel so alone.
I thought I could do this all by myself, but the recent events have taught me otherwise. I can't care for a one-year-old, work full-time, maintain personal tragedy, and not have anyone to talk to about it. I have friends, but none in particular who will listen. my husband seems to think that what goes through my mind is too "worst of the worst" and he generally just gets upset with me for thinking that way and doesn't want to hear it. so I can't tell him anything. my "friend" at work has recently stabbed me in the back in order to try and get her husband a better-paying job. and another friend of mine, whom I've spoken of before regarding her previous relationship with my husband, always offers her deepest condolences and then immediately wants to talk about what's the recent development in her self-induced destruction. and what I need to talk about are things that really do need a bit of caring and attention.
this last month has nearly been the undoing of my mental health. two weeks ago I miscarried in my twelfth week of pregnancy. I chose to have the hospital procedure, rather than letting things take their natural course, due to the baby's size. it was an extremely difficult time for both my husband and myself, and for a very brief period it brought us very close together emotionally, until I guess he decided that I was only allowed to have negative thoughts about the miscarriage, but nothing else. that's about the time when I figured out that I can't talk to him about anything. and now, because he can't seem to wait another two weeks to have sex, I think I've got a uterine infection, as the doctor warned me I would get if I didn't keep just about everything away from that particular region. but my husband wants me to tell him he's the greatest husband ever (seriously) because he's so attracted to me that he can't keep his hands off of me. I am grateful that he's trying to keep up my self-esteem, but I can't work up the courage to shatter his ego and let him know I'm not interested and really don't want any kind of sexual contact so soon after having our child die inside of my body. and I guess the doctor's warnings weren't deterrent enough. so I can cry about the baby, and only about the baby, but physically I better be ready to move on.
he also doesn't want to hear about how someone needs to keep an eye on our son while we're out at family barbecues, because, "everybody watches everybody elses' kids." well, that's bullshit, and was proven to be bullshit when our friends' child fell in the pool and no one noticed for just long enough for the boy to stop moving. he was pulled out, and was ok after a few minutes. and this happened before my husband's previous comment. he still thinks it's ok to let our son run around seemingly unsupervised. me thinking otherwise is, apparently, only thinking the worst of things. it's not thinking about safety, it's just thinking negatively.
then, last week, came what is probably the biggest tragedy I have ever had to deal with. my cousin, who was bipolar, committed suicide. I have never had to, nor have I known anyone who has had to, deal with someone close to them killing themselves. I don't know who to even begin to talk to about this. I'm seeing a therapist, but once a month doesn't help for those random times when I can't help but cry. I haven't even seen her since the day after my D&C. I won't see her for another two weeks. and so, until then, I can pour my thoughts and feelings on here. I don't have to deal with everything silently and internally. because, as I've discovered, it doesn't make me forget, it just lets it all build. at least this way I'm getting it out.
right now I just feel sad and angry. my husband is recently obsessed with buying a new gigantic and expensive tv, and has been very nice to me lately while trying to persuade me to spend $1300 that we don't particularly have. but, when I made the comment tonight that every time we talk about it the tv gets more expensive (it started out at $600, and just worked its way up to $1300), he just muttered something that sounded like, "fucking...." and walked away. I said I didn't want to fight about a tv, but he said we weren't fighting, he just had to go to the bathroom. so he went, then walked right past me without saying a word. so instead of even fighting, we're just pretending we don't exist anymore.
it's sad, but since about a few days after the hospital, we fight more than we previously did, I think. I'm sad, but I'm not allowed to be sad except for things my husband deems appropriate, like losing my baby and my cousin, but being sad about my son falling down at daycare is not acceptable. kids fall down and get hurt all the time. it's a part of growing up, so I can't be upset about it. I can't try and protect him and keep it from happening. I have to let him play by the pool by himself, because someone, we're not sure who, but somebody other than my husband and myself has to be watching him. great. fantastic.
so I'm sad and I'm angry and I have no way of really reconciling it and moving on. I'm angry that my cousin did something so selfish and didn't allow us to say goodbye, or even have any service to give us some closure. but I'm glad he's no longer suffering so much. I can't even imagine having to live my life in so much mental anguish, and knowing that I'd have to continue to live the rest of my life like that. I don't know how long he was on the medication, but I wish he had given it more of a chance, or kept trying until he found one that worked for him. but, there's nothing that can be done about that now.
I'm angry at my husband for too many reasons to relate right now. but I'm thankful for the things he does do for me. even if it is due to an ulterior motive. and not everything he does is to try and convince me he deserves a 40" flat screen tv. but, lately, it seems like a lot of it is. and I'm extremely sad that this is the state of our relationship. it's never been a great one, but right now it feels like a miserable one. oh well. I guess it could always be worse.
I just don't want to keep feeling so alone.
posted by nakedbride at 1:30 AM
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