who's yours?
in college I dated this guy for about a week. I guess I can't even say that we dated. he was busy, traveling all the time and I was only there for another year. he was so sweet, a little needy, and intriguing. after college I moved to hawaii and he called me on valentine's day to see how I was doing, was I seeing anyone? he wanted to come visit me just so he could kiss me. I still think about him almost everyday. he's my "one who got away."
I could contact him now if I wanted...providing that his cell number hasn't changed. but I don't. I won't. I know that things happen the way that they need to, and he's not the right one for me. I doubt he even remembers me now. it's been a few years. sometimes I just want to find out. but that's a downward spiral that I don't want to approach.
I love my fiance with a fierceness that I can't fully comprehend. even if I could have this other man back, if he found me and came to me with flowers and 3 years' worth of I miss yous, I wouldn't leave my fiance. so why won't he leave my mind? I can still hear his voice. I won't erase his number from my phone, and have transferred it to new cell phones twice. but I haven't ever called him. once when I moved to hawaii, but that was in 2002. not once since. the 2 times that he called me were in a short time span, and now nothing. I can't keep doing this and I don't know how to stop. it's a huge "what if." if I'd tried to make a relationship with him work, if I'd called him before I decided to make it work with my fiance, if I'd stayed in LA hoping something would happen. but I wasn't in that mindset at the time.
what would my fiance think if he knew these thoughts ran through my head almost on a daily basis? would he leave me? would it make him worry? would he brush it off like he does everytime I tell him I'm attracted to some woman on tv because he knows it's meant to get a reaction out of him?
how can I make this stop? it's not abating, it waxes and wanes, but it's always there somewhere in my mind. the worst part is, I think that finding out he's with someone else would really hurt. I wonder what he'd say if I told him I'm getting married. i'm sure he's forgotten me by now.
why do I feel like this about him? it's a possibility that it's because he's an actor and that's what I'm really attracted to. when we met someone told him that I was only talking to him for that reason. he didn't call me for almost a month after that, probably trying to see if it was true or not. is that really it and I'm subconsciously trying so hard to convince myself that I'm not that shallow, that superficial? I don't think I could stand myself if that's the case. but it could also be the way he would look at me and things he would say to make me feel like I was the only person in the room, that I had some kind of captivating power over him. it was so genuine and would always make me melt. he would offer anything before I would ask. I never accepted any of them, not wanting him to think that was why I was there. I miss him. do I? I don't honestly know. isn't that sad? maybe it's just spending this week with no one has brought this all to the forefront. or maybe I really do still want him.
I've kept myself so guarded from my fiance since our first year together was truly horrific. he was at the tail-end of a relationship with a woman with serious emotional issues. he cheated on her with me, and brought me into the whole horror show. I'd never cheated like that and still feel sick thinking about it. she saw the breakup coming from miles away and pulled a pregnancy scare. he didn't tell me this until much later when I asked if he had slept with her since he and I had been together. what he didn't tell me until last month was that for the first 5 months he and I were together he thought she was still pregnant. then she said she miscarried, then said she'd had an abortion. she had moved to another state, so he saw her very rarely during all of this. but they apparently slept together when she did come around. and continued to call nonstop and email all the damn time. he knew I hated it and started hiding it from me...maybe not knowingly, but he didn't let me know what was going on. 2 months ago I almost left him. creating trust is so difficult, especially given our beginning. I know now that he will never cheat on me, but there's always that fear. I think there will always be that fear that I can't control. he'd do anything to keep me with him, to prove that I can trust him. but the fear is there and was beaten into me so long ago that it may now be a permanent part of me.
I guess that's why I can't stop thinking about the one who got away. the one I didn't even try to be with. the one I was too afraid to be with in case I found it wasn't him I wanted, just his persona. now I'm with the one who's not so glamorous, but would really do anything for me if I just smile. the man who does love me unconditionally and with all his heart. and that's what I need. I need that love from him. I need him.
I could contact him now if I wanted...providing that his cell number hasn't changed. but I don't. I won't. I know that things happen the way that they need to, and he's not the right one for me. I doubt he even remembers me now. it's been a few years. sometimes I just want to find out. but that's a downward spiral that I don't want to approach.
I love my fiance with a fierceness that I can't fully comprehend. even if I could have this other man back, if he found me and came to me with flowers and 3 years' worth of I miss yous, I wouldn't leave my fiance. so why won't he leave my mind? I can still hear his voice. I won't erase his number from my phone, and have transferred it to new cell phones twice. but I haven't ever called him. once when I moved to hawaii, but that was in 2002. not once since. the 2 times that he called me were in a short time span, and now nothing. I can't keep doing this and I don't know how to stop. it's a huge "what if." if I'd tried to make a relationship with him work, if I'd called him before I decided to make it work with my fiance, if I'd stayed in LA hoping something would happen. but I wasn't in that mindset at the time.
what would my fiance think if he knew these thoughts ran through my head almost on a daily basis? would he leave me? would it make him worry? would he brush it off like he does everytime I tell him I'm attracted to some woman on tv because he knows it's meant to get a reaction out of him?
how can I make this stop? it's not abating, it waxes and wanes, but it's always there somewhere in my mind. the worst part is, I think that finding out he's with someone else would really hurt. I wonder what he'd say if I told him I'm getting married. i'm sure he's forgotten me by now.
why do I feel like this about him? it's a possibility that it's because he's an actor and that's what I'm really attracted to. when we met someone told him that I was only talking to him for that reason. he didn't call me for almost a month after that, probably trying to see if it was true or not. is that really it and I'm subconsciously trying so hard to convince myself that I'm not that shallow, that superficial? I don't think I could stand myself if that's the case. but it could also be the way he would look at me and things he would say to make me feel like I was the only person in the room, that I had some kind of captivating power over him. it was so genuine and would always make me melt. he would offer anything before I would ask. I never accepted any of them, not wanting him to think that was why I was there. I miss him. do I? I don't honestly know. isn't that sad? maybe it's just spending this week with no one has brought this all to the forefront. or maybe I really do still want him.
I've kept myself so guarded from my fiance since our first year together was truly horrific. he was at the tail-end of a relationship with a woman with serious emotional issues. he cheated on her with me, and brought me into the whole horror show. I'd never cheated like that and still feel sick thinking about it. she saw the breakup coming from miles away and pulled a pregnancy scare. he didn't tell me this until much later when I asked if he had slept with her since he and I had been together. what he didn't tell me until last month was that for the first 5 months he and I were together he thought she was still pregnant. then she said she miscarried, then said she'd had an abortion. she had moved to another state, so he saw her very rarely during all of this. but they apparently slept together when she did come around. and continued to call nonstop and email all the damn time. he knew I hated it and started hiding it from me...maybe not knowingly, but he didn't let me know what was going on. 2 months ago I almost left him. creating trust is so difficult, especially given our beginning. I know now that he will never cheat on me, but there's always that fear. I think there will always be that fear that I can't control. he'd do anything to keep me with him, to prove that I can trust him. but the fear is there and was beaten into me so long ago that it may now be a permanent part of me.
I guess that's why I can't stop thinking about the one who got away. the one I didn't even try to be with. the one I was too afraid to be with in case I found it wasn't him I wanted, just his persona. now I'm with the one who's not so glamorous, but would really do anything for me if I just smile. the man who does love me unconditionally and with all his heart. and that's what I need. I need that love from him. I need him.
posted by nakedbride at 10:09 PM
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