the great migration
I dropped my fiance off at the airport early, and I do mean early, sunday morning. as we were driving it seemed that every bird in the greater denver area decided it was time to move on. it was this huge black streak that, from far away, was really frightening. once I realized that it was not yet armageddon, it was actually pretty awe-inspiring. but it left me with this huge sense of emptiness. my fiance, as well as the majority of the wildlife, was leaving.
I came home to find an email he had sent immediately before he left. the last time I cried that hard was trying to book and pay for hotel rooms for our immediate families and wedding party. my parents told me they already had a place to stay and so didn't want to stay with us, and that we shouldn't have my brother stay at the hotel either. I thought the point of a wedding was to bring people together, not have them be on completely opposite sides of the island. but, had we gotten rooms for everyone it would have been $3000 for one night for just the wedding party and the two of us. and that's not even getting a honeymoon suite. but I digress.
my mother's motto to me when I was growing up was "be a leader, not a follower." I took that to heart and she quickly told me that no one would like me because I was too flamboyant. that's only the beginning of her confused idea of "mothering." point being, I've always been very independent. not to say that I've like solitude, or really enjoyed it in any manner, but I've never wanted to depend on anyone. having my heart severely ripped apart by my high school boyfriend just solidified that for me. but now, 2 days without him and I'm starving myself and reclusive. I had to force myself to sit through a full day of work and almost passed out mid-morning. then I came home, gorged myself on practically as many carbs as I could get a hold of, then had a pity party. I'm becoming so pathetically dependent on this man. the sad thing is, I think it's a fiercely co-dependent relationship.
having someone need you like that is the most amazing feeling. it's almost visceral. it's definitely addicting. I'm now feverish and ill without him here. I can't sleep and I'm constantly on edge. I don't, however, have the need to physically injure myself, which is usually the first place I go to. I'm getting much better about that. I haven't actually purposely hurt myself in quite some time. I don't know how I feel about that. kind of numb, really. if you've ever seen the move secretary it's something like that. not exactly, but close. it's definitely private and ritualistic. not something I'd ever actually do with people in the room. the movie thirteen seemed to capture it a bit more for me. but I need to stop talking about it now.
how can I be proud of myself and who I am if I can't survive without this man? the way he smells, the way he looks at me and holds me and touches me. I know him. he called me last night when he realized that, in a new york hotel room with a king-size bed, he was sleeping on his side of the bed. I went to bed in denver thinking I had forgotten something, and realized that it was just the emptiness of the place. it's not like losing a limb, it's just losing your emotions. I feel like a vacuous thing of nothingness. but I'll suck it up and deal. it's not long, really, I'm just making it longer than it really is.
i'm hoping that we may soon be moving back home. I don't really belong anywhere outside of hawaii. I fit in there. I'm comfortable there. he's applied for a job, but I don't want to get my hopes up and then be extremely disappointed. that's a let down that I don't think I can handle. it would be nice to be back before the wedding, but that will never happen. I miss it so much. planning a wedding from thousands of miles away is not my idea of fun. I've said it before, and I say it again: always hire a wedding planner.
I came home to find an email he had sent immediately before he left. the last time I cried that hard was trying to book and pay for hotel rooms for our immediate families and wedding party. my parents told me they already had a place to stay and so didn't want to stay with us, and that we shouldn't have my brother stay at the hotel either. I thought the point of a wedding was to bring people together, not have them be on completely opposite sides of the island. but, had we gotten rooms for everyone it would have been $3000 for one night for just the wedding party and the two of us. and that's not even getting a honeymoon suite. but I digress.
my mother's motto to me when I was growing up was "be a leader, not a follower." I took that to heart and she quickly told me that no one would like me because I was too flamboyant. that's only the beginning of her confused idea of "mothering." point being, I've always been very independent. not to say that I've like solitude, or really enjoyed it in any manner, but I've never wanted to depend on anyone. having my heart severely ripped apart by my high school boyfriend just solidified that for me. but now, 2 days without him and I'm starving myself and reclusive. I had to force myself to sit through a full day of work and almost passed out mid-morning. then I came home, gorged myself on practically as many carbs as I could get a hold of, then had a pity party. I'm becoming so pathetically dependent on this man. the sad thing is, I think it's a fiercely co-dependent relationship.
having someone need you like that is the most amazing feeling. it's almost visceral. it's definitely addicting. I'm now feverish and ill without him here. I can't sleep and I'm constantly on edge. I don't, however, have the need to physically injure myself, which is usually the first place I go to. I'm getting much better about that. I haven't actually purposely hurt myself in quite some time. I don't know how I feel about that. kind of numb, really. if you've ever seen the move secretary it's something like that. not exactly, but close. it's definitely private and ritualistic. not something I'd ever actually do with people in the room. the movie thirteen seemed to capture it a bit more for me. but I need to stop talking about it now.
how can I be proud of myself and who I am if I can't survive without this man? the way he smells, the way he looks at me and holds me and touches me. I know him. he called me last night when he realized that, in a new york hotel room with a king-size bed, he was sleeping on his side of the bed. I went to bed in denver thinking I had forgotten something, and realized that it was just the emptiness of the place. it's not like losing a limb, it's just losing your emotions. I feel like a vacuous thing of nothingness. but I'll suck it up and deal. it's not long, really, I'm just making it longer than it really is.
i'm hoping that we may soon be moving back home. I don't really belong anywhere outside of hawaii. I fit in there. I'm comfortable there. he's applied for a job, but I don't want to get my hopes up and then be extremely disappointed. that's a let down that I don't think I can handle. it would be nice to be back before the wedding, but that will never happen. I miss it so much. planning a wedding from thousands of miles away is not my idea of fun. I've said it before, and I say it again: always hire a wedding planner.
posted by nakedbride at 9:14 PM
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