what a difference...
I can't believe how much things are changing already. since I normally wear my jeans to fit my body, there's already a couple of pairs that I can't wear when I sit down or eat too much. I feel like I'm conceding defeat by not wearing them, but I knew it would happen at some point, just not quite this soon.
a few other changes in the past couple of weeks: I'm getting gradually more nauseous. at first it was just when I was really hungry. now it's when I'm hungry and when I eat too much. and I'm also starting to get food triggers, like tomato sauce. even seeing it on tv made me want to run for the bathroom. so no pizza, no spaghetti. I have almost no desire to eat anything sweet, which for me is like my body going into mutiny against me. I really don't get it. for whatever reason I really haven't been enjoying food at all. I love to think about it, but eating just doesn't do anything for me. but of course I've still gained about 6 or 7 pounds. and I'm not quite 2 months yet. I'm also strangely emotionally numb. I just don't give a shit. about anything, really. and that's extended to my husband. I don't know what it is, hormones or serious marital issues, but I'm not really sure if I'm in love with him. I don't want to be without him, but I just don't have any strong feelings towards him. I don't know what to say or do about it, but he can tell. the other day he asked me if I love him as much as he loves me, and I had to honestly answer that I wasn't sure. well, it wasn't entirely an honest answer since that entire week before I had been thinking about how he definitely loves me a lot more than I love him. I guess it's a combination of the shit storm we've been through almost our entire relationship, and me not really being ready to be pregnant immediately after the wedding, and whatever the hell's going on internally. good Lord I would never suggest this to anyone. WAIT AS LONG AS POSSIBLE. seriously.
but, all that being said, I would never give this up now that it's happened. it was nice to be wished a happy mother's day today. and to think about the little tiny person that's now living inside of me, that I carry with me everywhere I go, that's mine to protect. I have to admit that impending motherhood does make me feel old and boring, but I wouldn't ever trade that to be college age and fucking up again. because to do that now would just be pathetic. whereas having a child is just amazing to me. almost like I can't believe I can actually do this, that I'm...I don't know...good enough even to be able to have my own child. it really makes me regret all of the stupid things and horrible things that I've done in the past. the drugs that I used to do and sleeping around. all of the horrible things that I've done to my body that is now for my child to grow in. it really makes me look back and wish I had done things differently. but I guess it's a bit late for that now.
a few other changes in the past couple of weeks: I'm getting gradually more nauseous. at first it was just when I was really hungry. now it's when I'm hungry and when I eat too much. and I'm also starting to get food triggers, like tomato sauce. even seeing it on tv made me want to run for the bathroom. so no pizza, no spaghetti. I have almost no desire to eat anything sweet, which for me is like my body going into mutiny against me. I really don't get it. for whatever reason I really haven't been enjoying food at all. I love to think about it, but eating just doesn't do anything for me. but of course I've still gained about 6 or 7 pounds. and I'm not quite 2 months yet. I'm also strangely emotionally numb. I just don't give a shit. about anything, really. and that's extended to my husband. I don't know what it is, hormones or serious marital issues, but I'm not really sure if I'm in love with him. I don't want to be without him, but I just don't have any strong feelings towards him. I don't know what to say or do about it, but he can tell. the other day he asked me if I love him as much as he loves me, and I had to honestly answer that I wasn't sure. well, it wasn't entirely an honest answer since that entire week before I had been thinking about how he definitely loves me a lot more than I love him. I guess it's a combination of the shit storm we've been through almost our entire relationship, and me not really being ready to be pregnant immediately after the wedding, and whatever the hell's going on internally. good Lord I would never suggest this to anyone. WAIT AS LONG AS POSSIBLE. seriously.
but, all that being said, I would never give this up now that it's happened. it was nice to be wished a happy mother's day today. and to think about the little tiny person that's now living inside of me, that I carry with me everywhere I go, that's mine to protect. I have to admit that impending motherhood does make me feel old and boring, but I wouldn't ever trade that to be college age and fucking up again. because to do that now would just be pathetic. whereas having a child is just amazing to me. almost like I can't believe I can actually do this, that I'm...I don't know...good enough even to be able to have my own child. it really makes me regret all of the stupid things and horrible things that I've done in the past. the drugs that I used to do and sleeping around. all of the horrible things that I've done to my body that is now for my child to grow in. it really makes me look back and wish I had done things differently. but I guess it's a bit late for that now.
posted by nakedbride at 10:48 PM
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