what I don't get

I'm bored out of my mind. I mean seriously, gravely bored. I'm tired, and could go to sleep but just haven't. i feel like I need to stop and re-evaluate my life and figure out what I really want from it, because right now I have no idea. what am I doing?? i have no direction and almost zero purpose it feels like. we've (and when I say "we've" I mean "WH has") started packing up the apartment and I can't tell you just how relieved I am to be leaving here. why did I want to come here? what was my thought process on that one? i think instead of saving up any money we just dug ourselves deeper into debt. at least we have enough money from the wedding to fund our move back. and I had wanted to be able to work part time when we moved back so I can kind of take things easy, but there's no way we can afford that. and who's going to want to hire a pregnant girl? i realize that legally they can't turn me down because I'm pregnant, but there are enough legitimate reasons I'm sure. not like I'm going to be walking into interviews with a big arrow pointing at my stomach while I scream on a bullhorn that I'll pop any day now. but I feel like I'll be deceiving them by not saying anything, and then after starting the job, tapping my boss on the shoulder and saying, "oh, guess what? about 7 months from now you won't be seeing me for a little while. oops, sorry, did I forget to mention?"

I just don't like this getting used to my body all over again thing. i have no idea what it's doing and if I'm suddenly going to regret what I'm eating or the way that I'm lying down or sitting or moving or standing or anything. sorry, I'm not the pregnancy poster girl. I'm just holding faith in what my friend told me, which was more or less that for as horrible as the pregnancy and delivery was (both times) she would readily go through it all again for the end result.

so that's what I'm going to focus on: the end result. I can get over the indigestion and bleeding gums and sudden shooting pains, dizziness and nausea because the end result will more than make up for all of this.