the big plan

so we're moving back. in june. I've always said that when I have kids I want to have them in hawaii where I have family. our lease is up in june, and WH has yet to find a job in denver. we'll probably initially live with his parents while we find a place to live. I luckily have a job I can go right back to, although it's only part-time working for an attorney who seems to be constantly gearing up for retirement. but that will be perfect for me, especially after I have the baby. that seems so weird for me to say. it still doesn't seem real. other than some cramping, and sore boobs, nothing seems different. no sickness, no weird cravings or preternatural sense of smell. a few headaches, but nothing unbearable. for as afraid as I was to be pregnant at first, I'm now so afraid that I'm really not. I had thought about all of the plans that I had that this was going to ruin, that this really is the end of any irresponsibility I have yet to get out of my system. but now I just don't want to find out that I'm not actually pregnant.

for some reason untirely unknown to me, I'm afraid to tell people. I don't want to have to deal with their sickly-sweet excited reaction and congratulatory hugs. I don't want the constant, "how are you doing, how are you feeling, are you ok, are you exicited???" ok, so I obviously know why I don't want to tell people, but I'm also somehow afraid. like I'll jinx it or something. I haven't told any of my friends or family. I'm planning on telling my parents when I see them for WH's niece's first birthday in vegas in May. we talked them into meeting us out there. so all if his immediate family will be there as well. sounds like the best time to announce an unplanned pregnancy. when else would be a better time?

so now we have to pack up the shithole and head out. which includes plane tickets, not only for the move, but for immediately after the first birthday party, because WH's grandmother recently died, and since she's been cremated they've decided to have a small family get-together mid-May, since she said she didn't want a service. what's funny in some strange, sick way is that we found out we're pregnant the day that she died. i don't know how to feel about that...she was a free spirit - to put it nicely.

I didn't want WH to know that I thought I was pregnant, so I kept quiet until my period was over a week late, and hid in the bathroom while he went to pick up some groceries, and took it a little before I knew he would get back, which was good because I don't think I could have handled more than 1 or 2 minutes alone after finding out. he walked in the door and saw me with some kind of imminent nervous breakdown look on my face and asked, I think if I was ok, or what was going on or something like that. so I told him and immediately broke into tears. he just hugged me and held onto me while I was shaking so bad I felt like I could barely stand up, and told me it was going to be ok, everything is going to be fine, and that this is good news, something I should be happy about. we were going to try next year, we're just a little ahead of schedule.

I still just can't believe we got pregnant almost immediately after the wedding. shows how much all my doctors know, telling me it would be incredibly difficult for me to conceive. I guess I showed them...