lonely

I feel some how alone and almost forgotten. not that my husband ignores me or we pass without acknowledging each other. his actions just seem to have lost meaning to me. like they're empty, or just an attempt to make up for things he never should have done. like they're things he never would have done if he didn't have to regain my trust and my love. at this moment I feel like the one lesson I will be able to take away from my life is to never completely trust anyone, especially those closest to you, they're the ones you stand to lose the most from. only trust someone just before they really know you. and once they do, be very careful with them and especially with yourself. I've already told him he'll never have my trust. even if he gains it back bit by bit, he'll never even get halfway there. and if he does it most likely means that I've quit caring entirely.

i feel like I have no one to talk to and no one to confide in or laugh with. something's just missing. I want to hope that moving back home solves this, but I've learned a long time ago to not count on moving to solve anything. emotionally i always end back up where I've started. but I can't keep worrying about things like this. eventually I'm going to have to refocus and redirect my attention. i really won't have much of a choice soon, and I have to admit that I'm glad for that.

I really need a distraction right now, but a good one. definitely a good one.