short but sweet

I need to preface this by saying that I had started writing something, stopped, and got to it quite a few weeks later. so this wasn't written in may, but mid-june.

so much has gone on and I haven't been able to speak of it. privacy has gone out the window, for one.

we finally made the move back home to hawaii 2 weeks ago. it's wonderful and amazing and I can't even begin to express how glad I am to be home. we spent almost 2 weeks getting from denver to hawaii, most of the time in vegas with WH's sister. it was nice to kick back and not do much of anything at all except buy overpriced maternity clothes and feel out of place being a pregnant woman in a casino.

so now we're living in his parents' house (they're out of town for about a month) and have yet to even unpack. most of our stuff is getting delivered next week and we have no place to move it to. my parents have been here for the past week and a half and they've been looking at places with us, so hopefully in the next couple of months or so we'll have somewhere to go. I'll be back at work in a couple of weeks, which I'm not so much looking forward to as just wanting to kill some time and make some money before the baby comes. oh well.

there have been a few revelations on my part, and though I won't go into detail as to how they came about, here they are:

I'm not quite ready to be pregnant. it makes me feel like I'm no longer allowed to do the things that I like and everyone will think I'm suddenly boring or don't belong at the places I want to be.

I will never be ok with WH and his ex (my best friend) having anything to do with each other again, which includes them being in the same room together. the thought of the two of them together still occasionally plays itself over in my mind for no reason when I really don't want it to, and then I hate everyone.

all of that being said, I'm very excited to meet my first child and to be a mother. hopefully a good one : )

not disruptive, but influential

I may have touched on this subject before, and if I did it's being revisited.

my husband told me that I tend to be a disruptive force in people's lives. mainly because I don't just let people live with a status quo that is unhealthy for them, or isn't making them happy. why would I? if I care about someone enough to be a friend to them, why would I let them go along living a mediocre existence when most of the time they know what they need to do to fix it, and just need a nudge, or continual pushing, in the right direction. this doesn't mean that I claim to have all the answers to fixing the world or even one person in it, I just want to help someone I care about to better their own life. that's not such a terrible thing, is it?

but what if subconsciously I'm not helping to make things better for them, but to make them rely on me so that I feel needed? I don't know that that's actually the case, but what if it's part of it? him saying that I'm "disruptive" really made me reevaluate my actions and conversations with a couple of close friends. mostly I try to find out what they really want, and help them to stick with that decision, because it's not always the easiest one. but other times it can be more forceful in saying that this is what should happen, this is what they need to do. and maybe I shouldn't be doing that. I tend to subscribe to the idea that things happen for a reason. and maybe I'm going against that by pushing someone in a certain direction. I guess that's not necessarily a bad thing, but what if I'm not actually helping the best outcome to come about? on the other hand, I could just let things go on the way that they are and continue to watch my friends be unhappy or confused or not really getting what they deserve out of life.

I don't know. I guess it's better to be disruptive than to be apathetic about a friendship. I just hope it ends up paying off.

quote of the day

"the only differences between 'psychic' and 'psycho' are two letters and a knife."

again, the question

today my husband asked me again if I love him as much as he loves me, and I said yes because how many times can I dodge that question, or even tell him some semblance of the truth that will just lead to more questions and more than I want to deal with right now? but it hurts to lie to him, and just to realize that I don't love him as much as I thought I once did.

but what immediately preceded that question was this: he had brought me back some food from hawaii that I had asked for, and said that since he did this for me I have to love him more.

now, with him this could mean two things, possibly in conjunction with each other: either sexual or actual love. he knows that I have zero interest in sex whatsoever considering my "condition," however he's trying to prove that it's just some failure on his part and if he tries hard enough he'll coax some kind of desire out of me. I wish he'd just stop and let me take the lead on things when I'm ready. he's definitely calmed down a lot lately, but he'll still make snide little comments like, "well I know you aren't interested but I still have to take care of myself." he insists this isn't to make me feel guilty. well, whatever. it's just annoying me at this point.

but, he's noticed a marked decrease in my interest in him altogether, so it could just possibly mean that he wants me to love him like I did before the wedding, before...well, before a lot of things.

should I be worried about this not working out? should I begin formulating a plan B? I don't know...I guess I'll just wait and see how things go in the next year or two, after the baby and hopefully after the hormones clear and I can think like a normal person. wish me luck on that one...I can't recall the last time that ever happened to be honest...

WTF

I need to preface this by saying that my husband has been out of town nearly a week and just came home.

sunday's freak out:

I come back from grocery shopping sometime in the late afternoon, and I see some guy sitting on the bench in the lobby of our building, which is locked, eating a massive bag of doritos (which sound really good right now, by the way). he looked pretty comfortable like he'd been there for a while, or was settling in for the long haul. I didn't want to haul all the shit up 2 flights of stairs so I went for the elevator. while I'm waiting I notice that he's now standing right behind me. maybe not too close, but inching into that territory. we get on and he asks for the second floor. ok, my floor too, but whatever. he's standing a bit too close for the size of the elevator so I have my keys in my fist, ready to gouge his eyes out if he tries to introduce himself and shake my hand. at that point he stands right in front of the doors. when they open he exits in the opposite direction of my apartment and stops at the door closest to the elevator. I heard him messing with some keys but definitely not opening the door as I haul my ass into my apartment and immediately bolt and chain the door. I realize I shouldn't have gotten in the elevator the second he walked up behind me, or at the very least gotten off on a different floor and waited a while. but I didn't.

so at 10:30 or 11 that night someone knocks very quietly on my door...waits a minute or so and knocks, still very softly, again. I had immediately turned off my tv and was very quiet. maybe 30 seconds later I hear the door to the stairwell next to my apartment open and someone walking down the stairs.

now I'm afraid to take a shower while alone in the apartment. oh well. not too much longer here...

a few of my favorite things

gaucho pants
saltine crackers
nap time
sleeping in on the weekends
cocoa butter to help (hopefully) minimize the stretch marks
DVR recordings to keep me occupied during the lonely days
having my best friend back

what a difference...

I can't believe how much things are changing already. since I normally wear my jeans to fit my body, there's already a couple of pairs that I can't wear when I sit down or eat too much. I feel like I'm conceding defeat by not wearing them, but I knew it would happen at some point, just not quite this soon.

a few other changes in the past couple of weeks: I'm getting gradually more nauseous. at first it was just when I was really hungry. now it's when I'm hungry and when I eat too much. and I'm also starting to get food triggers, like tomato sauce. even seeing it on tv made me want to run for the bathroom. so no pizza, no spaghetti. I have almost no desire to eat anything sweet, which for me is like my body going into mutiny against me. I really don't get it. for whatever reason I really haven't been enjoying food at all. I love to think about it, but eating just doesn't do anything for me. but of course I've still gained about 6 or 7 pounds. and I'm not quite 2 months yet. I'm also strangely emotionally numb. I just don't give a shit. about anything, really. and that's extended to my husband. I don't know what it is, hormones or serious marital issues, but I'm not really sure if I'm in love with him. I don't want to be without him, but I just don't have any strong feelings towards him. I don't know what to say or do about it, but he can tell. the other day he asked me if I love him as much as he loves me, and I had to honestly answer that I wasn't sure. well, it wasn't entirely an honest answer since that entire week before I had been thinking about how he definitely loves me a lot more than I love him. I guess it's a combination of the shit storm we've been through almost our entire relationship, and me not really being ready to be pregnant immediately after the wedding, and whatever the hell's going on internally. good Lord I would never suggest this to anyone. WAIT AS LONG AS POSSIBLE. seriously.

but, all that being said, I would never give this up now that it's happened. it was nice to be wished a happy mother's day today. and to think about the little tiny person that's now living inside of me, that I carry with me everywhere I go, that's mine to protect. I have to admit that impending motherhood does make me feel old and boring, but I wouldn't ever trade that to be college age and fucking up again. because to do that now would just be pathetic. whereas having a child is just amazing to me. almost like I can't believe I can actually do this, that I'm...I don't know...good enough even to be able to have my own child. it really makes me regret all of the stupid things and horrible things that I've done in the past. the drugs that I used to do and sleeping around. all of the horrible things that I've done to my body that is now for my child to grow in. it really makes me look back and wish I had done things differently. but I guess it's a bit late for that now.

the only time you'll ever see my face