almost there

at this point I've had every panic I can up until the actual day of the wedding.

last week I realized I can't even count months to the wedding, I'm counting weeks. I hyperventilated for a moment, and now I've accepted it.

my mom told me tonight that she's anxious, and she hasn't had to do anything. she realizes that I've planned this whole thing myself, mainly because my "wedding planner" has been MIA this whole time and not returning phone calls or emails. if she's actually doing what she says she's doing, we're going to have 2 of everything at the wedding. but I've told her that I'm doing everything because I have no idea if she's doing anything. oh well. c'est la vie!

so I'm still not sleeping, and I've begun losing hair. not enough to be noticeable to anyone who hasn't seen our apartment, or me brushing or washing my hair, but I'm hoping there's enough left to not force me to buy a wig so I have something to style at the wedding. luckily I had a lot of it to begin with.

at this point the details are taken care of, the invitations are out (late because there was a "mix up" on the part of the company I ordered from and I paid $125 to rush them and get them a week before they said I would, instead of a month before like is supposed to happen when you have them "rushed"), and most people have figured out what to do with the response cards. I'm almost there. I'm almost at the end point.

WH's cousin, my God-send, has told me that every time I panic, just remember why I'm doing this. if I freak out the day of, or the night before, just remember the point of it all. I'm in love with this amazing man. even if he wasn't mine, he'd still be an amazing man. but he loves me back and he's mine, and he wants to be mine forever.

as of March 25, this will all be worth it. every freaking minute of it.

the engagement party

all I wanted was for my fiance to be my moral support at what my mom's friends were trying to call a bridal shower.

"in today's modern times" men are being invited to bridal showers. I understand them laughing and saying, "yeah right," because that's my thought on bridal showers. I hate girly games and giggling. I just don't do it. (please refer to my previous post about being a feminist, etc.) so I figured having men there would preclude the women from doing that. I did everything I could to change things around so he would want to go. apparently there's themes at these things that determine what types of gifts are given from your registry. good to know. my fiance loves to cook, so I asked that it be "kitchen" themed. I thought I wasn't supposed to make any decisions about this, but if I can work it to my advantage, fine. I also asked that it be around cocktail time, because my man loves to drink!

he still refused to go. and for the exact same reasons why I told him I didn't want to go. the only difference was that I didn't have a choice.

my dad then called me to say that he wasn't going either, and if WH wanted to come up he and my dad could go do "something fun" while the girls talked and giggled. thanks a lot, dad!

I was hoping my best friend would redeem herself and be there for me. she said that she was trying to go, which means a lot because she really dislikes my mom. her words, not mine. she didn't want to have spend so much time around my mother, and she really hates my mother's friends, blahblahblah. ok, great. this is fan-fucking-tastic.

a week later she calls and says she can't go because of bullshit that there's no one to watch her kids. her husband works on saturday and she doesn't want to keep them out of school (huh?). nevermind that this is all happening where she and I grew up and where her parents and mother-in-law STILL LIVE. apparently they were both out of town that weekend. I just let it go and said fine, don't worry about it, since that's better than calling her a bitch and a liar.

another week later and she calls again. at this point I'm forcing myself to answer her calls and respond to her emails, and it only works about a quarter of the time. so this call is to tell me that she hopes I have fun at the party, and she's SO glad she's not going because "that's just a situation [she] shouldn't be in." maybe God doesn't love me as much as I thought...

at this point my life revolves around me crying, not sleeping, and not speaking to anyone except for WH's ex who's my new best friend who has kept me sane this entire time. WH understood that I was about to lose it and cancel the wedding and never see him again, so he begrudgingly said he'd go, all the while enumerating why he didn't want to (he's uncomfortable getting gifts. bullshit, I've seen him go crazy on the registry and try to add more to supplement what people have already bought us. I've had to cut him off.), but that he'd go anyway.

for whatever reason, peoples' schedules and whatnot, the party was on a sunday. WH refused to miss any work at a job he hates with a passion and has been subsequently fired from for being mentally absent, so he flew in friday after work and left on the last flight in sunday, which took off at 7:45pm. the party, since it was a cocktail party (for him), started at 6pm. he was there for half an hour and literally ran out without saying goodbye, even to me. but since God still wanted to show that he loves me, one of my friends from elementary school, whom I haven't seen since high school, was there and spent the entire night by my side. she's a beautiful, wonderful, amazing woman.

I apologized to everyone for WH not really being there and not saying goodbye, and thanked them all for a wonderful evening.

the worst is over...or yet to come?

ahhh...it's been too long! so much has happened, and most of it I'm already trying to forget. here's a recap:

new year's and my birthday (the day after the new year) were pretty uneventful, but nice. quiet is good at this point. my mom figured that having her friend act as "wedding planner" alleviates anything she may need to do for the wedding, so she's been off my ass about what's going on and needing to be informed. then came the shitstorm.

my matron of honor, who's been my best friend since grade school, has been (up until a few weeks ago) one of the biggest nightmares of my wedding. she's a heavy girl and doesn't feel comfortable in anything other than baggy pants and long-sleeved shirt. she thought that being my best friend and me usually letting people be who they are and be comfortable, that she could wear a pant-suit. A FREAKING PANT-SUIT at my wedding. nevermind that she's going to be sweating and hot and miserable. nevermind that every other bridesmaid is going to be in a red dress while she's in a black PANT-SUIT. the guys are all wearing linen button-down red shirts and "natural" colored linen pants. if she's trying to hide, a PANT-SUIT is the worst way to do that. naturally I said no. so she calls my fiance.

bear in mind, they've never met. if they had, she never would have bothered. luckily he realized that what he says to my best friend has repercussions for me. so in the interest of my sanity, and consequently his own, he was kind but stern. he told her that the girls are wearing dresses and she'd really stand out. she attempted to argue, but I figured the job was done.

a couple of days later I get the guilt-trip email. it's really easy for me to find a dress, but it's not so easy for fat girls like her, blahblahblah. JUST WEAR A GODDAMN DRESS AND SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!! it's my freaking wedding, and I wore what she picked out for me for her wedding. I'm not a dress person either, but I wore a floor-length dress for her wedding. and I didn't say a damn word about it. she later calls me while I'm in our hometown for my engagement party (more on that debacle later) and says that she found the perfect outfit. I'm excited and giddy and thinking things are finally going my way. I should have just told her to stop when she began to describe it. here's how it went: "it's this really pretty gauzy red material, the color that you wanted, it's these nice flowing pants with a long [I cant' remember if she said poncho or parka here] that covers everything." WHAT THE FUCK??? NO, that's not what I wanted. so I AGAIN brought up that the other girls are wearing dresses, please just wear a dress. I was nice about it, I didn't raise my voice or try and make her feel bad, even though every shitty thought was running through my mind.

so finally, finally, I get another email that she's bought a dress. A DRESS!!! YAY!!!

and I should have mentioned in the beginning, around november or december, that she sent me an email with pictures of dresses that were exactly what I had asked the bridesmaids to get: knee-length dark red dress in any cut they like. is that really so much to ask for?

the dress that she is now showing me is a floor-length ball gown. she's not getting that it's going to be around 70 - 75 degrees while she's used to about 50. but she's in a dress, that's all I have to say. however, her email basically said, "I hope you like it because I've already ordered it and there's no returns." nice.

luckily God loves me and has shown that through my fiance's cousin. she's been through this and she knows. she called me to ask how things were going and I screamed out the issues with my matron of honor, probably all in one long freaking breath. she genuinely thought about for a minute and told me not to worry. the maid/matron of honor is usually set somewhat apart from the other bridesmaids by what she's wearing. a pant-suit was obviously way too set apart, but if she's in a floor-length dress and she's standing next to me in a floor-length dress, it will actually flow just fine.

oh. ok.

and now I'm over that issue. I had asked her to hem the dress to knee-length (she's actually got really nice calves) and since she ordered the dress so late she wasn't sure that she could. I emailed her again and told her not to worry about it, I was just freaking out over every minute detail, and I'm now fine with the dress she has picked out. but she still asked that I not go all "bridezilla" on her. thanks, friend. and I'm continuing to get emails from her asking if I'm stressed, am I getting excited, and DON'T STRESS!!! while I appreciate the sentiments, it's not helping, and she's apparently forgotten that she told me she hated it when people did that to her before her wedding. but she's wearing a dress, and I know she means well.

and intertwined in all this was the engagement party.