I know, it's been a while.

I've been busy. got married, moved off the continent, had a baby, got a job, etc., etc. a lot has gone on in between all of that, but nothing of note. there have been plenty of fights, a brief separation, and a sadly anti-climactic reconciliation. we seem to have drifted extremely far apart, only coming together to care for a beautiful little boy.

I feel so alone.

I thought I could do this all by myself, but the recent events have taught me otherwise. I can't care for a one-year-old, work full-time, maintain personal tragedy, and not have anyone to talk to about it. I have friends, but none in particular who will listen. my husband seems to think that what goes through my mind is too "worst of the worst" and he generally just gets upset with me for thinking that way and doesn't want to hear it. so I can't tell him anything. my "friend" at work has recently stabbed me in the back in order to try and get her husband a better-paying job. and another friend of mine, whom I've spoken of before regarding her previous relationship with my husband, always offers her deepest condolences and then immediately wants to talk about what's the recent development in her self-induced destruction. and what I need to talk about are things that really do need a bit of caring and attention.

this last month has nearly been the undoing of my mental health. two weeks ago I miscarried in my twelfth week of pregnancy. I chose to have the hospital procedure, rather than letting things take their natural course, due to the baby's size. it was an extremely difficult time for both my husband and myself, and for a very brief period it brought us very close together emotionally, until I guess he decided that I was only allowed to have negative thoughts about the miscarriage, but nothing else. that's about the time when I figured out that I can't talk to him about anything. and now, because he can't seem to wait another two weeks to have sex, I think I've got a uterine infection, as the doctor warned me I would get if I didn't keep just about everything away from that particular region. but my husband wants me to tell him he's the greatest husband ever (seriously) because he's so attracted to me that he can't keep his hands off of me. I am grateful that he's trying to keep up my self-esteem, but I can't work up the courage to shatter his ego and let him know I'm not interested and really don't want any kind of sexual contact so soon after having our child die inside of my body. and I guess the doctor's warnings weren't deterrent enough. so I can cry about the baby, and only about the baby, but physically I better be ready to move on.

he also doesn't want to hear about how someone needs to keep an eye on our son while we're out at family barbecues, because, "everybody watches everybody elses' kids." well, that's bullshit, and was proven to be bullshit when our friends' child fell in the pool and no one noticed for just long enough for the boy to stop moving. he was pulled out, and was ok after a few minutes. and this happened before my husband's previous comment. he still thinks it's ok to let our son run around seemingly unsupervised. me thinking otherwise is, apparently, only thinking the worst of things. it's not thinking about safety, it's just thinking negatively.

then, last week, came what is probably the biggest tragedy I have ever had to deal with. my cousin, who was bipolar, committed suicide. I have never had to, nor have I known anyone who has had to, deal with someone close to them killing themselves. I don't know who to even begin to talk to about this. I'm seeing a therapist, but once a month doesn't help for those random times when I can't help but cry. I haven't even seen her since the day after my D&C. I won't see her for another two weeks. and so, until then, I can pour my thoughts and feelings on here. I don't have to deal with everything silently and internally. because, as I've discovered, it doesn't make me forget, it just lets it all build. at least this way I'm getting it out.

right now I just feel sad and angry. my husband is recently obsessed with buying a new gigantic and expensive tv, and has been very nice to me lately while trying to persuade me to spend $1300 that we don't particularly have. but, when I made the comment tonight that every time we talk about it the tv gets more expensive (it started out at $600, and just worked its way up to $1300), he just muttered something that sounded like, "fucking...." and walked away. I said I didn't want to fight about a tv, but he said we weren't fighting, he just had to go to the bathroom. so he went, then walked right past me without saying a word. so instead of even fighting, we're just pretending we don't exist anymore.

it's sad, but since about a few days after the hospital, we fight more than we previously did, I think. I'm sad, but I'm not allowed to be sad except for things my husband deems appropriate, like losing my baby and my cousin, but being sad about my son falling down at daycare is not acceptable. kids fall down and get hurt all the time. it's a part of growing up, so I can't be upset about it. I can't try and protect him and keep it from happening. I have to let him play by the pool by himself, because someone, we're not sure who, but somebody other than my husband and myself has to be watching him. great. fantastic.

so I'm sad and I'm angry and I have no way of really reconciling it and moving on. I'm angry that my cousin did something so selfish and didn't allow us to say goodbye, or even have any service to give us some closure. but I'm glad he's no longer suffering so much. I can't even imagine having to live my life in so much mental anguish, and knowing that I'd have to continue to live the rest of my life like that. I don't know how long he was on the medication, but I wish he had given it more of a chance, or kept trying until he found one that worked for him. but, there's nothing that can be done about that now.

I'm angry at my husband for too many reasons to relate right now. but I'm thankful for the things he does do for me. even if it is due to an ulterior motive. and not everything he does is to try and convince me he deserves a 40" flat screen tv. but, lately, it seems like a lot of it is. and I'm extremely sad that this is the state of our relationship. it's never been a great one, but right now it feels like a miserable one. oh well. I guess it could always be worse.

I just don't want to keep feeling so alone.

final musings before motherhood

I'm not even sure how to begin to describe the past few months. watching the evolution of my own body has been amazing, even if it was at times entirely frightening, panic-inducing, and occasionally entirely depleting of my self-esteem.

I've been lucky enough to have a fairly mild pregnancy. no horrible tear-inducing hormone fluctuations, very little insomnia, and basically none of the general pregnancy complaints. I've kept my ankles, wrists, even the semblance of a waist. although I have gained some thighs and my boobs have completely taken over, I can't really complain much about weight gain, believe it or not. I'm only now, two weeks away from my due date, entirely uncomfortable and feeling sick, which I've been told is thanks to the hormones getting my body ready for labor. now there's just the small issue of being entirely responsible for another human being that I have created. it could easily give one a God complex.

it still amazes me that just about anyone can do this...create another person that is totally helpless and dependent upon you for so long. it doesn't matter how badly you've screwed up your own life, as long as it's physically possible, you can have your own little person to screw up just as much. I guess that's what I'm most afraid of...between my family and my husband's, we're not entirely stocked up on sanity. I'm probably not the best candidate for most stable mental state either. is it just really irresponsible of us to be doing this? maybe. but on the other hand, I know what to expect, I've seen terrible parenting first-hand, and I more or less know what to avoid. at least I think I do. I can always tell myself I'll never be nearly as shitty of a mother as my own mom is, but what if it's something that I can't help that just slowly comes and takes over me before I even realize it?

the sad thing is, I have some really good memories of my mom from when I was really little, around 5 or so. I remember being two years old and getting bitten by fire ants and having her run and pick me up and soothe me with comforting words, as opposed to her current, "well, did you learn something from that?" as she laughs at my idiocy and walks away. she used to sing to wake me up, and always made me breakfast - whatever I wanted. I remember the first time I ever had french toast and after that it was all I'd eat for breakfast for almost a month, and she gladly made it every morning. then I'm not sure what happened. she just got tired of being a mom. she had my brother when I was 6 and I guess couldn't handle two kids at once, so she left my brother up to me and then tried to play the part of good mom. but you could tell she didn't mean it and didn't want to do it. after that it was just swearing and lectures and arbitrary rules for the sake of setting rules. it made no sense. occasionally she'd really actually try and when it didn't work she'd be worse than she was before. she doesn't understand why I can't talk to her and tell her anything in confidence...why I don't come to her with my secrets and ask her advice. all she really cares about is her social standing and how she appears to her friends. she called me to tell me that her friends refused to buy me baby gifts because they think I'm incredibly rude for not getting them thank you cards for wedding gifts on time. I thought proper ettiquette dicated that I had a year to write and send them. but since her friends have started to complain, it means the ettiquette books are now to be rewritten. I had told her I didn't want any baby gifts long before this came up. but since they're in oregon and I'm in hawaii and can't even attend a baby shower they would throw, that means one gets thrown in her honor, which is exactly what they did without even informing me of it. she told me about it as she was leaving it. and they got her presents, not me, not the baby...her. but it was still my baby shower. some of them got the baby books. thanks. a lot. because I need more books for my baby. forget clothes and diapers, my child needs more books right now. they chose books because that would be easiest for her to bring to me when she visits. she had called to tell me what an asshole I am for not sending out thank you cards within 3 months of my wedding so that they would throw her a baby shower. I can't even begin to say how much I do not like this woman. and she's my mother. can I actually avoid becoming that same mother? this is what I'm most afraid of. this and going broke...wait, we're already there!

luckily, WH has found work, and has been at a firm since september. he's not particularly enjoying the work, but he can work from home if need be, and that's been a huge help. I'm already worried that he's going to get fired, since apparently there's been a couple of complaints about him not getting work done on time. according to him it's because they're severely understaffed and don't want to pay for more attorneys. that's part of it, but I also know that part of it is that when he's not at work, he doesn't want to be working. so a lot of things slip way down in priority and get done at the last minute - the way he likes things to get done. our taxes were over a month late because he never got around to it. I tried, but couldn't figure out what the hell I was doing and was screwing it up big time. we can't afford to hire someone to do it for us, so that left WH to get it done. after I asked him about it every single day, he finally got it done two weeks ago. well, he got mine done, I'm still pretty sure he hasn't done his own. he says it's fine since we don't owe anything. but this still isn't exactly the kind of habit I'd like to encourage. I understand wanting to be able to just do nothing, but we don't have that option. I've been applying for jobs up until my doctor put me on bedrest 3 weeks ago. no one wants to hire a pregnant woman, big surprise. so now I'm looking at a job that was suggested to me by a friend of mine that would be available in about 6 months. sounds good. especially since we have just enough money to pay our mortgage and some bills. groceries are now a luxury and the credit cards are just barely getting the minimum balance taken care of. I've stopped using mine entirely (which hasn't been hard since I can't really leave the house), but I don't know what he's putting on his. he's now looking for a second job. actually, he's asked me to find one for him. I'm trying, but finding places that let you work only on the weekend and don't require any contact with customers is nearly impossible. especially when you're severely over-qualified. but, oh well...millions of other people have survived much worse than this, I know we'll get through.

but aside from all the fears of being a bad mother, of not ever sleeping again, of never having any private time or couple's time again, I can't wait to see my child...to see what's mine and what's my husband's traits, and what just belongs to the person that we made. I'm almost sad that the pregnancy will be over soon. I love feeling the baby move and kick, even if it can be pretty damn painful to have a heel in the ribs or a fist in the hip, or a head-butt to the bladder. I just like knowing that the baby's there and safe inside of me and perfectly taken care of right now.

believe it or not, I may even miss the gigantic belly once its gone...may. but I think I'll enjoy being able to have sex again even more. if I'm not too tired...

as bored as I am

I think the hormally related emotional aspect of pregnancy has finally caught up with me. gone are the days of the prozac effect I felt, and now I'm ready to cry at cheesey commercial on tv. I get hungry and can't stop screaming at my husband the second he attempts to speak to me, and was nearly in tears over the fact that we didn't have any cake in the house and it was too late to buy any. that and the fact that we're too broke to buy any. I'm feeling completely and totally depressed for no good reason whatsoever.

I guess it could be that I haven't left the house for more than an hour for the past few days, mainly because we have nowhere to go, and because we have no money to go and do anything. by the time I think about going hiking or to the beach or for a walk, I'm too tired. right now grocery shopping seems to be as exciting as my outings get. WH has gone to hang out with his friends a few times, and each time I'm invited along, but you can imagine just how much fun it is for a pregnant woman to sit around with a bunch of guys drinking beer and barbecuing. I'm almost always the only female in attendance. that should say something about who we're hanging out with. I've tried setting up dinner with WH's cousin, but it always seems to fall through. his cousin's wife has suggested lunch, but we can never settle on a time, and to be perfectly honest, I can only be around her for so long before I need a break from her sugary-sweet personality, and constant need to talk about all things pregnancy related with her and I and the rest of the family...since we're all pregnant together. but, I understand her need since this is her third pregnancy, and hopefully her first child. should I be in that position, I would want to detail every second of my healthy pregnancy as well. right now I'm a little too freaked out to do so.

I'm really not sure I'm ready for this. what if I can't stand having to pay constant attention to another person and have no opportunity for any time spent not attending to them? I'm suddenly annoyed by almost every other child I come into contact with, with the exception of WH's nephew, who has got to be the most well-behaved two year old known to man. what if I just can't handle feedings every two hours and not being able to take a shower whenever I feel like it? or the opposite...what if I become so attached to my child that it's just unhealthy and I can never spend a second without him by my side?

I can obsess and panic for hours on this particular subject, so I'm just going to cut my losses and focus my complaints elsewhere...not to mislead anyone, but there's no other opportunity for me to so readily and openly voice what's going on in my head, so it all spills over here. the good will be laid out as well...eventually...

right now WH isn't working. neither am I, but I'm having a more difficult time figuring out what job will let me take up to 6 months off immediately after starting. he just seems to have very little interest in working. he hasn't worked since january or february. I know he's applying and has had a couple of interviews, but there's no real active search going on. he's not on the phone calling firms or contacts. he's watching tv, checking email, or barbecuing. even his brother said (not to me) that he has no interest in working, he just wants to drink all day. this was told to my friend's cousin, a very reliable source. luckily, I know he's not drinking, he just doesn't want to do anything. not that I should be the one to talk about not wanting to do anything, but still. I'm on my own trying to find insurance and paying doctors' bills. after a near traumatic breakdown, he finally went over some health care options with me and remembered about the free health care offered for families at or near poverty levels, and that's us! so we've signed up and should be taken care of until one of us gets a job and begins making money, then we lose the benefits. and I'm praying to God daily that we don't end up with kaiser. that just fucks everything up. I lose the doctor I'm seeing, the hospital I'm going to, and my birth plan entirely goes out the window. but I'm holding out the hope that he gets a good job with worthwhile insurance. however, as of yet, no such luck. pretty soon I'll mostly like once and again be the one supporting us...and the one giving birth to our child. fabulous.

time flies when you're doing nothing

nothing...absolutely nothing. well, that's not entirely true. we've managed to clean out enough space for us to live, and eventually we'll have a nursery room. as soon as I get rid of my boxes upon boxes of old books and Lord knows what else. the only problem is that there's literally 20 years worth of dust gathered and we're (well, anyone other than me) moving furniture and finding just what happens to dust after 20 years - it petrifies. ahh, good times!

other than that, we've each had some job interviews, which as of yet have lead nowhere. and I think WH's unemployment checks have run out. so we're heading towards bankruptcy quite soon. actually, both of our interviews have been fairly recently, so there's still a chance for us. all I'm worried about is telling them once I start that I'll be gone come december. if they'd like me back, that'd be great, if not, we'll go our separate ways. WH is trying to tell me to not say a word about being pregnant until I can't hide it any longer, and then just quit. but, he has absolutely no problem with professional suicide, as he's done it already and thinks there's no consequences. I'm just hoping that no one he's interviewed with has bothered to call his previous employer in colorado. because if they have, it would explain why he hasn't had any calls back yet.

but we have been enjoying our time together doing, that's right, nothing. I've got a lovely tan and he's off doing triathalons after minimal training...seriously minimal training. I don't know how he doesn't really hurt himself. of course, he's doing the sprint triathalon, which is about half of a normal one. but still, I'm amazed.

I have to say that this time together has made me much more comfortable and relaxed in our relationship. I, of course, still get a little suspicious and wonder what he's doing when he's heading off to a friend's house, or doesn't come back when he says he will...but in his defense, he invites me along (except for when they were going to watch a fight, not my thing), and he's always, always been horrible at estimating how long he'll be gone and when he'll be back. to the point where I just tell him not to anymore because he's never right, even when I know exactly where he is and what he's doing. so it's just me being paranoid, as per usual. but I wonder if that will always be there, or if I can eventually set that aside and just be able to trust him. I don't know that that ever really happens after you've been through what we've been through, but I'm hoping I'll eventually not immediately question him when he's going somewhere without me.

another issue, though not with him, is with my best friend (BF for ease). she's having her own marital issues, which are entirely different from mine. in short, she really needs to leave him and find someone who will treat her the way she deserves to be treated as a wife. but I know it's not that easy when you really love someone and want it to be good. anyway, I've been back here for over a month, and I've seen her 3 times. we email every single day, but for whatever reason, she has no interest in seeing me other than during her lunch hour. and I'm not quite sure why. I can guess, that it has something to do with our husbands...I don't want her and my husband together because it makes me extremely uncomfortable, and she doesn't want to neglect her husband. and I'm wondering if he has the sneaking suspicion that I'm trying to convince her to leave him. but it's not like he's doing anything to make her any happier. so, whatever that means, he's not amped up enough to try and save their marriage. maybe it has something to do with us not being able to be in person and keep up what we have via email. it's easy to constantly banter back and forth when you're not face to face for some reason. in person, it can be a bit different. although we've had no trouble so far. so I don't know. and I'm sure she likes having her weekends to herself. all the same, it makes me wonder why. she'll still say she misses me, but getting together seems impossible. but I don't want to force some kind of friendship that maybe we weren't meant to have. I'm happy with what we have, I just thought it would be different when I got here. I don't think that explains anything, but whatever.

but, other than all of that, everything seems to be going really well with the baby...I'm almost certain it's a boy : ) he's moving around a lot and looks perfectly healthy so far. it's amazing to be able to feel these little tiny, almost twinges in my stomach and know that it's an entirely different person from me that's making those. my tummy's starting to poke out over my pants and even my gauchos are getting a bit tight. it's getting harder to not look like I just need to go on a diet. but at the same time, as much as I've always been so afraid of being heavy and looking overweight, I'm now wearing clothes that emphasize my belly, because I know that I'm pregnant and I really don't care if anyone else thinks I just look fat. I know the truth and I'm happy about it!

we also got our first ultrasound pictures a couple of weeks ago. it's so strange for me to see this perfect little tiny person and then to look at my little belly and realize that's where he is. it still looks just like my body, I can't believe it's actually harboring another person that I've never seen, and won't be able to see for (hopefully) about another 5 months. I'm getting afraid to roll over on the bed too quickly, or lie on my back, or use my stomach muscles at all. what if I crush him, or when I roll over his cord knots up or chokes him?? what's funny is that if I don't feel anything, I wonder if something's wrong. if I get any cramps, I wonder if something is wrong. the most comfort I feel is when it's like there's a little tiny punch in my stomach, and I hope that's him moving around and getting comfortable. other times I wonder if that's him fighting to get the cord off his neck so that he's not choking to death. I don't know if that's possible, but I'm sure it could be. but I know that he's moving around a lot, since during the ultrasound he was all over the place, and we were given a short 20 second video in 4-D (it's a perfect 3-D image of the baby and you can watch the baby move!) and it's him pulling his leg back and basically giving me a good soccer kick in the stomach. that should be interesting when he's full-size and has some real muscle and weight behind the kicks! I swear I got a kick in the bladder the other day. I'm just hoping I don't get kicked in the kidneys...

all in all, I have to say that I'm quite content at the moment. my husband loves rubbing my belly and talking to baby. he's planning just how he's going to fix the nursery, and he's making sure that I'm comfortable and have what I need (within financial reason, obviously).

for once, I really can't complain too much. and I don't even feel like that should mean that something's wrong. it just feels good : )

short but sweet

I need to preface this by saying that I had started writing something, stopped, and got to it quite a few weeks later. so this wasn't written in may, but mid-june.

so much has gone on and I haven't been able to speak of it. privacy has gone out the window, for one.

we finally made the move back home to hawaii 2 weeks ago. it's wonderful and amazing and I can't even begin to express how glad I am to be home. we spent almost 2 weeks getting from denver to hawaii, most of the time in vegas with WH's sister. it was nice to kick back and not do much of anything at all except buy overpriced maternity clothes and feel out of place being a pregnant woman in a casino.

so now we're living in his parents' house (they're out of town for about a month) and have yet to even unpack. most of our stuff is getting delivered next week and we have no place to move it to. my parents have been here for the past week and a half and they've been looking at places with us, so hopefully in the next couple of months or so we'll have somewhere to go. I'll be back at work in a couple of weeks, which I'm not so much looking forward to as just wanting to kill some time and make some money before the baby comes. oh well.

there have been a few revelations on my part, and though I won't go into detail as to how they came about, here they are:

I'm not quite ready to be pregnant. it makes me feel like I'm no longer allowed to do the things that I like and everyone will think I'm suddenly boring or don't belong at the places I want to be.

I will never be ok with WH and his ex (my best friend) having anything to do with each other again, which includes them being in the same room together. the thought of the two of them together still occasionally plays itself over in my mind for no reason when I really don't want it to, and then I hate everyone.

all of that being said, I'm very excited to meet my first child and to be a mother. hopefully a good one : )

not disruptive, but influential

I may have touched on this subject before, and if I did it's being revisited.

my husband told me that I tend to be a disruptive force in people's lives. mainly because I don't just let people live with a status quo that is unhealthy for them, or isn't making them happy. why would I? if I care about someone enough to be a friend to them, why would I let them go along living a mediocre existence when most of the time they know what they need to do to fix it, and just need a nudge, or continual pushing, in the right direction. this doesn't mean that I claim to have all the answers to fixing the world or even one person in it, I just want to help someone I care about to better their own life. that's not such a terrible thing, is it?

but what if subconsciously I'm not helping to make things better for them, but to make them rely on me so that I feel needed? I don't know that that's actually the case, but what if it's part of it? him saying that I'm "disruptive" really made me reevaluate my actions and conversations with a couple of close friends. mostly I try to find out what they really want, and help them to stick with that decision, because it's not always the easiest one. but other times it can be more forceful in saying that this is what should happen, this is what they need to do. and maybe I shouldn't be doing that. I tend to subscribe to the idea that things happen for a reason. and maybe I'm going against that by pushing someone in a certain direction. I guess that's not necessarily a bad thing, but what if I'm not actually helping the best outcome to come about? on the other hand, I could just let things go on the way that they are and continue to watch my friends be unhappy or confused or not really getting what they deserve out of life.

I don't know. I guess it's better to be disruptive than to be apathetic about a friendship. I just hope it ends up paying off.

quote of the day

"the only differences between 'psychic' and 'psycho' are two letters and a knife."