final musings before motherhood
I'm not even sure how to begin to describe the past few months. watching the evolution of my own body has been amazing, even if it was at times entirely frightening, panic-inducing, and occasionally entirely depleting of my self-esteem.
I've been lucky enough to have a fairly mild pregnancy. no horrible tear-inducing hormone fluctuations, very little insomnia, and basically none of the general pregnancy complaints. I've kept my ankles, wrists, even the semblance of a waist. although I have gained some thighs and my boobs have completely taken over, I can't really complain much about weight gain, believe it or not. I'm only now, two weeks away from my due date, entirely uncomfortable and feeling sick, which I've been told is thanks to the hormones getting my body ready for labor. now there's just the small issue of being entirely responsible for another human being that I have created. it could easily give one a God complex.
it still amazes me that just about anyone can do this...create another person that is totally helpless and dependent upon you for so long. it doesn't matter how badly you've screwed up your own life, as long as it's physically possible, you can have your own little person to screw up just as much. I guess that's what I'm most afraid of...between my family and my husband's, we're not entirely stocked up on sanity. I'm probably not the best candidate for most stable mental state either. is it just really irresponsible of us to be doing this? maybe. but on the other hand, I know what to expect, I've seen terrible parenting first-hand, and I more or less know what to avoid. at least I think I do. I can always tell myself I'll never be nearly as shitty of a mother as my own mom is, but what if it's something that I can't help that just slowly comes and takes over me before I even realize it?
the sad thing is, I have some really good memories of my mom from when I was really little, around 5 or so. I remember being two years old and getting bitten by fire ants and having her run and pick me up and soothe me with comforting words, as opposed to her current, "well, did you learn something from that?" as she laughs at my idiocy and walks away. she used to sing to wake me up, and always made me breakfast - whatever I wanted. I remember the first time I ever had french toast and after that it was all I'd eat for breakfast for almost a month, and she gladly made it every morning. then I'm not sure what happened. she just got tired of being a mom. she had my brother when I was 6 and I guess couldn't handle two kids at once, so she left my brother up to me and then tried to play the part of good mom. but you could tell she didn't mean it and didn't want to do it. after that it was just swearing and lectures and arbitrary rules for the sake of setting rules. it made no sense. occasionally she'd really actually try and when it didn't work she'd be worse than she was before. she doesn't understand why I can't talk to her and tell her anything in confidence...why I don't come to her with my secrets and ask her advice. all she really cares about is her social standing and how she appears to her friends. she called me to tell me that her friends refused to buy me baby gifts because they think I'm incredibly rude for not getting them thank you cards for wedding gifts on time. I thought proper ettiquette dicated that I had a year to write and send them. but since her friends have started to complain, it means the ettiquette books are now to be rewritten. I had told her I didn't want any baby gifts long before this came up. but since they're in oregon and I'm in hawaii and can't even attend a baby shower they would throw, that means one gets thrown in her honor, which is exactly what they did without even informing me of it. she told me about it as she was leaving it. and they got her presents, not me, not the baby...her. but it was still my baby shower. some of them got the baby books. thanks. a lot. because I need more books for my baby. forget clothes and diapers, my child needs more books right now. they chose books because that would be easiest for her to bring to me when she visits. she had called to tell me what an asshole I am for not sending out thank you cards within 3 months of my wedding so that they would throw her a baby shower. I can't even begin to say how much I do not like this woman. and she's my mother. can I actually avoid becoming that same mother? this is what I'm most afraid of. this and going broke...wait, we're already there!
luckily, WH has found work, and has been at a firm since september. he's not particularly enjoying the work, but he can work from home if need be, and that's been a huge help. I'm already worried that he's going to get fired, since apparently there's been a couple of complaints about him not getting work done on time. according to him it's because they're severely understaffed and don't want to pay for more attorneys. that's part of it, but I also know that part of it is that when he's not at work, he doesn't want to be working. so a lot of things slip way down in priority and get done at the last minute - the way he likes things to get done. our taxes were over a month late because he never got around to it. I tried, but couldn't figure out what the hell I was doing and was screwing it up big time. we can't afford to hire someone to do it for us, so that left WH to get it done. after I asked him about it every single day, he finally got it done two weeks ago. well, he got mine done, I'm still pretty sure he hasn't done his own. he says it's fine since we don't owe anything. but this still isn't exactly the kind of habit I'd like to encourage. I understand wanting to be able to just do nothing, but we don't have that option. I've been applying for jobs up until my doctor put me on bedrest 3 weeks ago. no one wants to hire a pregnant woman, big surprise. so now I'm looking at a job that was suggested to me by a friend of mine that would be available in about 6 months. sounds good. especially since we have just enough money to pay our mortgage and some bills. groceries are now a luxury and the credit cards are just barely getting the minimum balance taken care of. I've stopped using mine entirely (which hasn't been hard since I can't really leave the house), but I don't know what he's putting on his. he's now looking for a second job. actually, he's asked me to find one for him. I'm trying, but finding places that let you work only on the weekend and don't require any contact with customers is nearly impossible. especially when you're severely over-qualified. but, oh well...millions of other people have survived much worse than this, I know we'll get through.
but aside from all the fears of being a bad mother, of not ever sleeping again, of never having any private time or couple's time again, I can't wait to see my child...to see what's mine and what's my husband's traits, and what just belongs to the person that we made. I'm almost sad that the pregnancy will be over soon. I love feeling the baby move and kick, even if it can be pretty damn painful to have a heel in the ribs or a fist in the hip, or a head-butt to the bladder. I just like knowing that the baby's there and safe inside of me and perfectly taken care of right now.
believe it or not, I may even miss the gigantic belly once its gone...may. but I think I'll enjoy being able to have sex again even more. if I'm not too tired...
I've been lucky enough to have a fairly mild pregnancy. no horrible tear-inducing hormone fluctuations, very little insomnia, and basically none of the general pregnancy complaints. I've kept my ankles, wrists, even the semblance of a waist. although I have gained some thighs and my boobs have completely taken over, I can't really complain much about weight gain, believe it or not. I'm only now, two weeks away from my due date, entirely uncomfortable and feeling sick, which I've been told is thanks to the hormones getting my body ready for labor. now there's just the small issue of being entirely responsible for another human being that I have created. it could easily give one a God complex.
it still amazes me that just about anyone can do this...create another person that is totally helpless and dependent upon you for so long. it doesn't matter how badly you've screwed up your own life, as long as it's physically possible, you can have your own little person to screw up just as much. I guess that's what I'm most afraid of...between my family and my husband's, we're not entirely stocked up on sanity. I'm probably not the best candidate for most stable mental state either. is it just really irresponsible of us to be doing this? maybe. but on the other hand, I know what to expect, I've seen terrible parenting first-hand, and I more or less know what to avoid. at least I think I do. I can always tell myself I'll never be nearly as shitty of a mother as my own mom is, but what if it's something that I can't help that just slowly comes and takes over me before I even realize it?
the sad thing is, I have some really good memories of my mom from when I was really little, around 5 or so. I remember being two years old and getting bitten by fire ants and having her run and pick me up and soothe me with comforting words, as opposed to her current, "well, did you learn something from that?" as she laughs at my idiocy and walks away. she used to sing to wake me up, and always made me breakfast - whatever I wanted. I remember the first time I ever had french toast and after that it was all I'd eat for breakfast for almost a month, and she gladly made it every morning. then I'm not sure what happened. she just got tired of being a mom. she had my brother when I was 6 and I guess couldn't handle two kids at once, so she left my brother up to me and then tried to play the part of good mom. but you could tell she didn't mean it and didn't want to do it. after that it was just swearing and lectures and arbitrary rules for the sake of setting rules. it made no sense. occasionally she'd really actually try and when it didn't work she'd be worse than she was before. she doesn't understand why I can't talk to her and tell her anything in confidence...why I don't come to her with my secrets and ask her advice. all she really cares about is her social standing and how she appears to her friends. she called me to tell me that her friends refused to buy me baby gifts because they think I'm incredibly rude for not getting them thank you cards for wedding gifts on time. I thought proper ettiquette dicated that I had a year to write and send them. but since her friends have started to complain, it means the ettiquette books are now to be rewritten. I had told her I didn't want any baby gifts long before this came up. but since they're in oregon and I'm in hawaii and can't even attend a baby shower they would throw, that means one gets thrown in her honor, which is exactly what they did without even informing me of it. she told me about it as she was leaving it. and they got her presents, not me, not the baby...her. but it was still my baby shower. some of them got the baby books. thanks. a lot. because I need more books for my baby. forget clothes and diapers, my child needs more books right now. they chose books because that would be easiest for her to bring to me when she visits. she had called to tell me what an asshole I am for not sending out thank you cards within 3 months of my wedding so that they would throw her a baby shower. I can't even begin to say how much I do not like this woman. and she's my mother. can I actually avoid becoming that same mother? this is what I'm most afraid of. this and going broke...wait, we're already there!
luckily, WH has found work, and has been at a firm since september. he's not particularly enjoying the work, but he can work from home if need be, and that's been a huge help. I'm already worried that he's going to get fired, since apparently there's been a couple of complaints about him not getting work done on time. according to him it's because they're severely understaffed and don't want to pay for more attorneys. that's part of it, but I also know that part of it is that when he's not at work, he doesn't want to be working. so a lot of things slip way down in priority and get done at the last minute - the way he likes things to get done. our taxes were over a month late because he never got around to it. I tried, but couldn't figure out what the hell I was doing and was screwing it up big time. we can't afford to hire someone to do it for us, so that left WH to get it done. after I asked him about it every single day, he finally got it done two weeks ago. well, he got mine done, I'm still pretty sure he hasn't done his own. he says it's fine since we don't owe anything. but this still isn't exactly the kind of habit I'd like to encourage. I understand wanting to be able to just do nothing, but we don't have that option. I've been applying for jobs up until my doctor put me on bedrest 3 weeks ago. no one wants to hire a pregnant woman, big surprise. so now I'm looking at a job that was suggested to me by a friend of mine that would be available in about 6 months. sounds good. especially since we have just enough money to pay our mortgage and some bills. groceries are now a luxury and the credit cards are just barely getting the minimum balance taken care of. I've stopped using mine entirely (which hasn't been hard since I can't really leave the house), but I don't know what he's putting on his. he's now looking for a second job. actually, he's asked me to find one for him. I'm trying, but finding places that let you work only on the weekend and don't require any contact with customers is nearly impossible. especially when you're severely over-qualified. but, oh well...millions of other people have survived much worse than this, I know we'll get through.
but aside from all the fears of being a bad mother, of not ever sleeping again, of never having any private time or couple's time again, I can't wait to see my child...to see what's mine and what's my husband's traits, and what just belongs to the person that we made. I'm almost sad that the pregnancy will be over soon. I love feeling the baby move and kick, even if it can be pretty damn painful to have a heel in the ribs or a fist in the hip, or a head-butt to the bladder. I just like knowing that the baby's there and safe inside of me and perfectly taken care of right now.
believe it or not, I may even miss the gigantic belly once its gone...may. but I think I'll enjoy being able to have sex again even more. if I'm not too tired...
posted by nakedbride at 5:01 PM
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