as bored as I am

I think the hormally related emotional aspect of pregnancy has finally caught up with me. gone are the days of the prozac effect I felt, and now I'm ready to cry at cheesey commercial on tv. I get hungry and can't stop screaming at my husband the second he attempts to speak to me, and was nearly in tears over the fact that we didn't have any cake in the house and it was too late to buy any. that and the fact that we're too broke to buy any. I'm feeling completely and totally depressed for no good reason whatsoever.

I guess it could be that I haven't left the house for more than an hour for the past few days, mainly because we have nowhere to go, and because we have no money to go and do anything. by the time I think about going hiking or to the beach or for a walk, I'm too tired. right now grocery shopping seems to be as exciting as my outings get. WH has gone to hang out with his friends a few times, and each time I'm invited along, but you can imagine just how much fun it is for a pregnant woman to sit around with a bunch of guys drinking beer and barbecuing. I'm almost always the only female in attendance. that should say something about who we're hanging out with. I've tried setting up dinner with WH's cousin, but it always seems to fall through. his cousin's wife has suggested lunch, but we can never settle on a time, and to be perfectly honest, I can only be around her for so long before I need a break from her sugary-sweet personality, and constant need to talk about all things pregnancy related with her and I and the rest of the family...since we're all pregnant together. but, I understand her need since this is her third pregnancy, and hopefully her first child. should I be in that position, I would want to detail every second of my healthy pregnancy as well. right now I'm a little too freaked out to do so.

I'm really not sure I'm ready for this. what if I can't stand having to pay constant attention to another person and have no opportunity for any time spent not attending to them? I'm suddenly annoyed by almost every other child I come into contact with, with the exception of WH's nephew, who has got to be the most well-behaved two year old known to man. what if I just can't handle feedings every two hours and not being able to take a shower whenever I feel like it? or the opposite...what if I become so attached to my child that it's just unhealthy and I can never spend a second without him by my side?

I can obsess and panic for hours on this particular subject, so I'm just going to cut my losses and focus my complaints elsewhere...not to mislead anyone, but there's no other opportunity for me to so readily and openly voice what's going on in my head, so it all spills over here. the good will be laid out as well...eventually...

right now WH isn't working. neither am I, but I'm having a more difficult time figuring out what job will let me take up to 6 months off immediately after starting. he just seems to have very little interest in working. he hasn't worked since january or february. I know he's applying and has had a couple of interviews, but there's no real active search going on. he's not on the phone calling firms or contacts. he's watching tv, checking email, or barbecuing. even his brother said (not to me) that he has no interest in working, he just wants to drink all day. this was told to my friend's cousin, a very reliable source. luckily, I know he's not drinking, he just doesn't want to do anything. not that I should be the one to talk about not wanting to do anything, but still. I'm on my own trying to find insurance and paying doctors' bills. after a near traumatic breakdown, he finally went over some health care options with me and remembered about the free health care offered for families at or near poverty levels, and that's us! so we've signed up and should be taken care of until one of us gets a job and begins making money, then we lose the benefits. and I'm praying to God daily that we don't end up with kaiser. that just fucks everything up. I lose the doctor I'm seeing, the hospital I'm going to, and my birth plan entirely goes out the window. but I'm holding out the hope that he gets a good job with worthwhile insurance. however, as of yet, no such luck. pretty soon I'll mostly like once and again be the one supporting us...and the one giving birth to our child. fabulous.

time flies when you're doing nothing

nothing...absolutely nothing. well, that's not entirely true. we've managed to clean out enough space for us to live, and eventually we'll have a nursery room. as soon as I get rid of my boxes upon boxes of old books and Lord knows what else. the only problem is that there's literally 20 years worth of dust gathered and we're (well, anyone other than me) moving furniture and finding just what happens to dust after 20 years - it petrifies. ahh, good times!

other than that, we've each had some job interviews, which as of yet have lead nowhere. and I think WH's unemployment checks have run out. so we're heading towards bankruptcy quite soon. actually, both of our interviews have been fairly recently, so there's still a chance for us. all I'm worried about is telling them once I start that I'll be gone come december. if they'd like me back, that'd be great, if not, we'll go our separate ways. WH is trying to tell me to not say a word about being pregnant until I can't hide it any longer, and then just quit. but, he has absolutely no problem with professional suicide, as he's done it already and thinks there's no consequences. I'm just hoping that no one he's interviewed with has bothered to call his previous employer in colorado. because if they have, it would explain why he hasn't had any calls back yet.

but we have been enjoying our time together doing, that's right, nothing. I've got a lovely tan and he's off doing triathalons after minimal training...seriously minimal training. I don't know how he doesn't really hurt himself. of course, he's doing the sprint triathalon, which is about half of a normal one. but still, I'm amazed.

I have to say that this time together has made me much more comfortable and relaxed in our relationship. I, of course, still get a little suspicious and wonder what he's doing when he's heading off to a friend's house, or doesn't come back when he says he will...but in his defense, he invites me along (except for when they were going to watch a fight, not my thing), and he's always, always been horrible at estimating how long he'll be gone and when he'll be back. to the point where I just tell him not to anymore because he's never right, even when I know exactly where he is and what he's doing. so it's just me being paranoid, as per usual. but I wonder if that will always be there, or if I can eventually set that aside and just be able to trust him. I don't know that that ever really happens after you've been through what we've been through, but I'm hoping I'll eventually not immediately question him when he's going somewhere without me.

another issue, though not with him, is with my best friend (BF for ease). she's having her own marital issues, which are entirely different from mine. in short, she really needs to leave him and find someone who will treat her the way she deserves to be treated as a wife. but I know it's not that easy when you really love someone and want it to be good. anyway, I've been back here for over a month, and I've seen her 3 times. we email every single day, but for whatever reason, she has no interest in seeing me other than during her lunch hour. and I'm not quite sure why. I can guess, that it has something to do with our husbands...I don't want her and my husband together because it makes me extremely uncomfortable, and she doesn't want to neglect her husband. and I'm wondering if he has the sneaking suspicion that I'm trying to convince her to leave him. but it's not like he's doing anything to make her any happier. so, whatever that means, he's not amped up enough to try and save their marriage. maybe it has something to do with us not being able to be in person and keep up what we have via email. it's easy to constantly banter back and forth when you're not face to face for some reason. in person, it can be a bit different. although we've had no trouble so far. so I don't know. and I'm sure she likes having her weekends to herself. all the same, it makes me wonder why. she'll still say she misses me, but getting together seems impossible. but I don't want to force some kind of friendship that maybe we weren't meant to have. I'm happy with what we have, I just thought it would be different when I got here. I don't think that explains anything, but whatever.

but, other than all of that, everything seems to be going really well with the baby...I'm almost certain it's a boy : ) he's moving around a lot and looks perfectly healthy so far. it's amazing to be able to feel these little tiny, almost twinges in my stomach and know that it's an entirely different person from me that's making those. my tummy's starting to poke out over my pants and even my gauchos are getting a bit tight. it's getting harder to not look like I just need to go on a diet. but at the same time, as much as I've always been so afraid of being heavy and looking overweight, I'm now wearing clothes that emphasize my belly, because I know that I'm pregnant and I really don't care if anyone else thinks I just look fat. I know the truth and I'm happy about it!

we also got our first ultrasound pictures a couple of weeks ago. it's so strange for me to see this perfect little tiny person and then to look at my little belly and realize that's where he is. it still looks just like my body, I can't believe it's actually harboring another person that I've never seen, and won't be able to see for (hopefully) about another 5 months. I'm getting afraid to roll over on the bed too quickly, or lie on my back, or use my stomach muscles at all. what if I crush him, or when I roll over his cord knots up or chokes him?? what's funny is that if I don't feel anything, I wonder if something's wrong. if I get any cramps, I wonder if something is wrong. the most comfort I feel is when it's like there's a little tiny punch in my stomach, and I hope that's him moving around and getting comfortable. other times I wonder if that's him fighting to get the cord off his neck so that he's not choking to death. I don't know if that's possible, but I'm sure it could be. but I know that he's moving around a lot, since during the ultrasound he was all over the place, and we were given a short 20 second video in 4-D (it's a perfect 3-D image of the baby and you can watch the baby move!) and it's him pulling his leg back and basically giving me a good soccer kick in the stomach. that should be interesting when he's full-size and has some real muscle and weight behind the kicks! I swear I got a kick in the bladder the other day. I'm just hoping I don't get kicked in the kidneys...

all in all, I have to say that I'm quite content at the moment. my husband loves rubbing my belly and talking to baby. he's planning just how he's going to fix the nursery, and he's making sure that I'm comfortable and have what I need (within financial reason, obviously).

for once, I really can't complain too much. and I don't even feel like that should mean that something's wrong. it just feels good : )